Suggestions for Renaming the Bathroom.
Tom, I know you said you wanted some suggestions on renaming the bathroom, because it doesn’t have a bathtub in it, so I took some notes for today’s presentation.
- Pee Room - Let’s just call it what it is. My ex-wife says if I was more honest about things we’d probably still be together. But this one might not cover everything.
- Defecation Station - Because it’s not just for pee! I like that this is alliterative. But defecation has kind of a gross ring to it. Tiffany always said I was too gross, so maybe not.
- Eliminatorium - Still gets the point across, but sounds official. Roman, even. Like it’s what the bathroom would have been called in a fancy classics textbook. Tiffany kept all her correspondence in Latin, and had I known the word repudium at the time, I might have seen this coming.
- The Room That Shall Not Be Named - “It’s just a room, guys, no big deal.” That’s what I’d say when people asked about it, if we went with this one. Which is pretty close to the phrase I used with my friends when Tiffany disappeared that night. Excuse me, I’m going to go cry in… a room.
- iPhone Game Room - But what do we really use it for? I mean in addition to hiding from our ex-wife and her new boyfriend when they come to collect the last of her stuff? It’s got two really great places to play iPhone games.
- Magazinery - Since Derrick and Tiffany’s last visit I don’t have any copies of Self or Glamor lying around, but I do have a new subscription to Playboy, and our broken heated towel rack really makes a great magazine holder.
- Dead Zone - After Derrick asked to use my toilet last month, I couldn’t go in there for 4 hours.
- TBD - We can open this up to the staff, let them spitball a little, have fun with it, you know? Tiff and Derrick adopted a new puppy. It’s crazy to me. She never wanted a dog when we were together. Always said I was too irresponsible.
- My Life Is Over - This, of course, is what your excrement says as it gets flushed down the tubes. It’s a metaphor. It’s also what I said when I found out Tiffany and Derrick got engaged last night.
- Please Come Back to me, Tiffany - You know, I don’t really think I can vouch for this one. It’s just sort of a gesture.