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BOOK 1:

 Yeah, so I grew up inside this cupboard, and you know what, one day I just decided, a cupboard can’t contain me. This GIANT man breaks down the door, tells me I’m a warlock, I go to this magical school, go on lots of crazy ass adventures. A three-headed dog, standing on this trap door, I just murder that thing with a magic flute and I go to the basement, fight with my teacher who wears a turban, pick me up a Sorceror’s Stone.

 

BOOK 2:

Yeah, yeah, this goddamn ELF is telling me not to go back to Hogwarts, but I’m like, I don’t need you. I don’t need your words. Not giving advice is the best advice of all. Yeah, so I’m too important for the train so I fly a CAR – I fly a CAR into a tree. Then this ginger girl gets sucked into a bathroom, and I go in there, there’s this GIANT snake there but like, no big deal, I kill that thing with my sword.

 

BOOK 3:

 A mass-murderer comes after me. Big mistake buddy. I’m a Vatican assassin. We play cat-and-mouse for a bit and then one day we meet up, I destroy him. I literally acquire the ability to freaking change TIME and I ride a giant bird into the sunset. Turns out that this killer is my godfather. Kinda makes sense, actually.

 

BOOK 4:

 I’m all pissed off because this magic CUP is bossing me around. It enters me in a tournament but as it turns out i just freaking run that city. Hungarian Horntail? I kill that thing. Merpeople? Yeah more like mer-dead. Don’t even get me started on that hedge maze. I witness the resurrection of the evil Lord ChuckLorre-demort and I annihilate him, because man, I got dragon blood.

 

BOOK 5:

So everyone thinks I’m a liar at this point, even though they don’t realize they’re lying to themselves. This BITCH teacher is handing out detentions left right and centre, but I end up destroying her,  I’m having all these crazy ass visions of the future, and the past and the present, things you WISH you had the ability to see. I meet up with ChuckLorre-demort in this magical building, and my godfather, falls through a door, he’s dead.

 

BOOK 6:

Yeah, this one is pretty skipabble. Uhh, I basically watch a bunch of reruns and then I get transported to this magical cave. My prof, Dumbledore, tells me to grab a bunch of Whore’s Cruxes, which I do, I own that city, I blast a bunch of skeleton people to the ground. We fly back to Hogwarts, then this dick Snape pushes Dumbledore off the building. He’s dead, man? What am I to do know.

 

BOOK 7:

Okay, so now, like this is EPIC. I probably do more Polyjuice Potion than anybody could survive.  You can’t contain me to just one body, I literally have 7 at one point. I just go nuts hunting down ChuckLorreDemort, man. I beat up all his Whorecruxes and then there’s this bitchin showdown. I fake my own death but even then, there’s just no killing me. I brutally slaughter the Dark Lord cause that’s how I roll , I’m the most powerful Warlock in the world, man. Jump cut, nineteen years later, I’m still keeping things alive. WINNING!

 

@TheMichaelLake

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