Yeah, so I grew up inside this cupboard, and you know what, one day I just decided, a cupboard can’t contain me. This GIANT man breaks down the door, tells me I’m a warlock, I go to this magical school, go on lots of crazy ass adventures. A three-headed dog, standing on this trap door, I just murder that thing with a magic flute and I go to the basement, fight with my teacher who wears a turban, pick me up a Sorceror’s Stone.
Yeah, yeah, this goddamn ELF is telling me not to go back to Hogwarts, but I’m like, I don’t need you. I don’t need your words. Not giving advice is the best advice of all. Yeah, so I’m too important for the train so I fly a CAR – I fly a CAR into a tree. Then this ginger girl gets sucked into a bathroom, and I go in there, there’s this GIANT snake there but like, no big deal, I kill that thing with my sword.
A mass-murderer comes after me. Big mistake buddy. I’m a Vatican assassin. We play cat-and-mouse for a bit and then one day we meet up, I destroy him. I literally acquire the ability to freaking change TIME and I ride a giant bird into the sunset. Turns out that this killer is my godfather. Kinda makes sense, actually.
I’m all pissed off because this magic CUP is bossing me around. It enters me in a tournament but as it turns out i just freaking run that city. Hungarian Horntail? I kill that thing. Merpeople? Yeah more like mer-dead. Don’t even get me started on that hedge maze. I witness the resurrection of the evil Lord ChuckLorre-demort and I annihilate him, because man, I got dragon blood.
So everyone thinks I’m a liar at this point, even though they don’t realize they’re lying to themselves. This BITCH teacher is handing out detentions left right and centre, but I end up destroying her, I’m having all these crazy ass visions of the future, and the past and the present, things you WISH you had the ability to see. I meet up with ChuckLorre-demort in this magical building, and my godfather, falls through a door, he’s dead.
Yeah, this one is pretty skipabble. Uhh, I basically watch a bunch of reruns and then I get transported to this magical cave. My prof, Dumbledore, tells me to grab a bunch of Whore’s Cruxes, which I do, I own that city, I blast a bunch of skeleton people to the ground. We fly back to Hogwarts, then this dick Snape pushes Dumbledore off the building. He’s dead, man? What am I to do know.
Okay, so now, like this is EPIC. I probably do more Polyjuice Potion than anybody could survive. You can’t contain me to just one body, I literally have 7 at one point. I just go nuts hunting down ChuckLorreDemort, man. I beat up all his Whorecruxes and then there’s this bitchin showdown. I fake my own death but even then, there’s just no killing me. I brutally slaughter the Dark Lord cause that’s how I roll , I’m the most powerful Warlock in the world, man. Jump cut, nineteen years later, I’m still keeping things alive. WINNING!