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Stats & Data

February 22, 2018

They say that guns kill people. But I'm more scared that people are killing guns.

What has two thumbs, one barrel, and has never killed anyone? A gun that has two severed thumbs attached to it! (Lmao)

Hi, I’m conservative columnist/all-around patriot Gunner Wilkinson, and I’m here to talk to you about guns.

How much do I love guns? My birth name was Chris until I legally changed it.

If I had to choose between my gun and the love of my life I’d say, “Aren’t they the same thing?” Haha but no I’d choose my gun.

If Jesus Christ himself showed up at my door and told me to get rid of my gun, I’d convert to Judaism. Jk, jk, jk. Guys chill out, it’s a joke, I go to a megachurch!!!

The point is, guns are kinda my thing. You know how some people are empathetic, or intelligent, or have good common sense? I’m the same way, but instead of all that stuff I’m good at not letting people take my guns away under any circumstance. In high school instead of signing yearbooks with ‘HAKAS’ I would sign, “HAGFS” (have a gun-filled summer).

In all seriousness, guns get a bad rep and I just wanted to set the facts straight because I like when things are straight.


A lot of people will say that gun-related deaths are the leading cause of death for American children. THAT IS FAKE NEWS ORCHESTRATED BY THE LOSER LIBERALS. Guns are the THIRD leading cause of death for children, thanks.


Some people will exaggerate and say, “Oh, it’s America, ev-ery-one owns a gun there.” VERY UNTRUE. Only 89 out of 100 Americans (on average) own a gun. In fact, on average, more people breathe than own guns, but you won’t hear the mainstream media talk about that.


According to CNN, “The US makes up less than 5% of the world’s population, but holds 31% of global mass shooters.” Okay, I’m no math teacher but doesn’t that mean that the rest of the world/universe(s) hold the other 69%? Oh, but Jake Tapper is too busy making trillions of dollars to use a calculator for one second.

And finally…

Time and time again people will say that this senseless destruction can be prevented, like it is in other countries. For example, after gun control legislation, Australia’s firearm homicide rate dropped roughy 42% over 7 years, and the firearm suicide rate dropped by 57%. But they do everything upside down or whatever, so how the fuck do we know what actually worked?

Also, I guess you can look at this chart thing, but screw those vox liberals, tbh.


They say that guns kill people. But you know what I’m more scared of?

People killing guns. #deep

Did I call for a ban on peanuts when people were “allergic” to them? No. Did I tell you to stop doing laundry because people were eating tide pods? Nope. Did I tell anyone to stop watching Toy Story 3 even though it killed me emotionally? No sir.

So why do you want to take away something that’s definitely not a necessity — something I don’t really need at all — just because it’s killing thousands of children and it’s going to keep doing so? Why don’t you christian ponder that for a minute.

Also, @ gun owners: you also fuck your guns, right? Like that’s a normal thing to do? I’m not alone?

If you’re curious and want to mock/laugh at gun control, click HERE and HERE.

But definitely, definitely don’t donate HERE.