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October 27, 2014



Every week, thousands more cases of Ebola are being diagnosed in West Africa, and scores of people continue to die. And seemingly every day, a new case of the fatal disease springs up somewhere in the U.S. We are on the verge of a worldwide pandemic.

And yet none of the pertinent global or national organizations involved with trying to contain the outbreak have outlined a comprehensive plan to protect actor Mark Ruffalo from Ebola.

On some level, I can understand the delay. However, though Mark Ruffalo may seem like a larger-than-life force of nature on the big screen, the fact of the matter is, he’s all too human. In fact, it is his incredible humanity that accounts for much of his irresistible charisma and appeal, and why we as a nation “can’t get enough of the Ruff.”

This is not to take anything away from the certain je ne sais quoi that makes Mark Ruffalo truly one of a kind*. Rather, it is simply to convey that, because he is subject to the same flesh-and-blood realities as the rest of us, he runs the same risk of contracting Ebola.

And we cannot, under any circumstances, allow this to happen.

Only a blind fool could not see that Mark Ruffalo is just now coming into his own, striking the perfect balance between studio blockbusters (The Avengers) and substantial indie fare (The Kids Are All Right). It is too great a tragedy to even consider that he might not ascend to his rightful place in the leading-man firmament, alongside your Clooneys and your Pitts. And yet our “president” has made no mention of a special quarantine facility for Mark Ruffalo, stocked with all of his favorite foods and board games.

So you must at this point look within and ask: Could you ever forgive yourself if Mark Ruffalo died of a hemorrhagic fever before he got to reach his full potential in the hands of one of the true auteurs working today, such as Darren Aronofsky or P.T. Anderson (who should also be quarantined, in service of Mark Ruffalo’s destiny)? Let me answer for you: no, you could not.

Perhaps you’re now thinking, “If there is a pandemic and society collapses, what will Mark Ruffalo really matter, in the grand scheme of things?” And that’s where you’re as wrong as you’ve ever been in your entire life. If the worst should happen, those of us who survive will need just such an exceedingly empathic, quintessential everyman actor to make films that explore the depth of the human condition, so that we can begin to heal and rebuild.

So that we have a reason to go on.

We therefore must take immediate action to protect Mark Ruffalo from the Ebola infection. At his earliest convenience (he will likely first want to wrap Spotlight, a thriller based on the child sex-abuse scandal in the Catholic archdiocese of Boston during the early 2000s), Mark Ruffalo should be cryogenically frozen, encased in a special airtight, sterilized vessel, and submerged in Lake Tahoe until such time as it is deemed safe for him to resume his terrestrial life and, moreover, continue to work toward becoming the silver-screen legend we absolutely need him to become.

To achieve this end, please email your congressperson immediately with the subject line FREEZE MARK RUFFALO, and refer him or her to this column.

Thank you.

*They broke the mold when they made Mark Ruffalo!

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