This week’s tweets have sex on the brain.
Imagine if sex was real, and not just something in the movies— Chris Scott (@iamchrisscott) February 11, 2016
I put the 'sexy' in Dyslexic.— The Refined Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) November 14, 2014
DOCTOR: are you sexually active— Theo Von (@TheoVon) February 9, 2016
ME: uh yea
DOCTOR: ok when was the last time-
ME: it was a girl from summer camp you don't know her okay??
A dildo is the sex toy most likely to be referenced in a hobbit rap battle.— Elizabeth (@elizabeth_fels) September 25, 2015
"Gramps how'd you meet Nana?"— Dan Ewen (@VaguelyFunnyDan) February 12, 2016
"I hanged out the passenger side of my best friend's ride & hollered"
"I thought he was a scrub"
ah okay. good thing i read the description of this youtube video. thought for a second xxdragonblade96 owned the rights to eleanor rigby— rob whisman (@robwhisman) January 20, 2016
hollywood PR person: let's plan 2016. are you racist?— Chai Goth (@Abid_ism) February 11, 2016
white actor: a little bit, yeah.
PR person: great, now is a good time to reveal that
who the FUCK brings a bag of CHOPPED RED ONIONS to school just to throw them in the TOILET i fuckin HATE my school pic.twitter.com/jTHCIcV7iz— bitter bitch (@lyxopk) February 10, 2016
Jokes on you, kids who put shaving cream on my car. I was gonna shave my car anyway.— ibid (@ibid78) December 13, 2014
The job I'm most suited for is probably Advil sommelier.— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) February 10, 2016
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER— Dave (@T_N_Crumpets) August 20, 2015
ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you've got 2days
"Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?" I asked.— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
a tyrannosaurus rex using a selfie stick, but just so he can talk on a cell phone— chuuch (@ch000ch) February 12, 2016
I don't believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I'd scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) February 12, 2014
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can't get out of a hammock.— Frank Whitehouse (@WheelTod) May 19, 2015
as a kid, there really wasn't anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.— ess bee fritz (@RandomAntics) January 28, 2016
Back before Fitbit, I had to count every step in my head all day long. Such a hassle.— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) February 12, 2016
MOTHER: we named each of you after where you were born— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) February 13, 2016
ARBY'S TOILET: wtf
WIFE: he speaks in kelly clarkson lyrics— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) February 11, 2016
DR: since when
ME: SINCE U BEEN GONE
DR[quietly]:i can breath for the 1st time
[Wrench factory]— Ray (@SirEviscerate) February 12, 2016
BOSS: I'm proud to say it's been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid to die the night before a day I was gonna sleep in.— Alex Baze (@bazecraze) February 11, 2016
Controller: sir, we have a helium leak in sector 16.— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) February 11, 2016
Boss:[with hi pitched voice] no we haven't, i've just come from there.
i don't usually talk about politics on here but i am firm in my stance that the dirty kid from peanuts should be forced to bathe— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) February 6, 2016
Beyoncé concerts shouldn't be taxed because they're part of my religion.— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) February 8, 2016
Fun Fiction: Ancient religions— Captain Antagonist (@AnOrangeSNES) February 12, 2016
Fun Fact: Modern religions
Me: [thinking monk was short for monkey] So when do we get the bananas?— james nielssen (@cool_as_heck) February 11, 2016
Monk: Did you really just break your 2 year vow of silence for that?