Halloween Tips ByJoshua Proctor
It’s Halloween time! The great time of year when adults steal candy from their kids and whores dress up like sluts. But if you want to make it the best Halloween ever just use these simple tips.
Don’t be those people who give out apples. Be those people who give out Apple iPhones.
Be the best parent ever and take your kids out the day before to get the best pick of the candy.
(*This tip will also make you the worst neighbor ever.)
Watch the scariest movie ever made: Ocean’s Twelve!
Listen, a lot of d-bags are going to dress up like Robin Williams and The ISIS. So why not do something different? Like easy Halloween costumes, such as:
Guy who doesn’t want to be out tonight or Guy shopping at Target.
Instead of haunted hayrides try something scarier like normal car rides through Ferguson, Missouri.
(*only applies to white people)
Halloween falls on Friday this year so do not knock on anyone’s doors during WWE’s Friday Night Smackdown.
Murder someone. It’s Halloween; nobody will notice.
Turn your zombie costume into an Ebola costume.
Turn your Ebola costume into an Obama costume.
(*Obama is the only thing people fear more than Ebola)
DO NOT TRY TO BE KESHA. Trust me you can’t pull it off
Don’t take your kids to some lame haunted house. Just get the dad from 7th Heaven to babysit them. That will be scary for the both of you.
Save time by tweeting your neighbors “#trickortreat” and then just pick up the candy the next day.
If you don’t want people knocking on your door just blast some Maroon 5 all night.
(*This may result in a lot of vomit on your front yard)
Wait … Halloween is on a Friday this year?! Yo, I’m getting so drunk that night! No tip here, just saying.
Ask your kids if they know the name of the person who is giving them candy. If not, don’t take it and move on to the next house. You don’t want to go back on that whole “Don’t take candy from strangers” thing.
Go to the graveyard to get the ingredients to make your Walking Dead Halloween cookies.
Dress up like Tony Romo and when you “try” to throw the candy in the kids’ bags throw it on the ground.
If you’re homeless use this night to get free food. I mean, come on guys, you got the costumes already!
Try to do a new War of the Worlds by calling 911 and acting out mass shootings.
Dress up like Chris Bosh. The costume works by you doing nothing and people giving you $115 million.
Do not be the Headless Horseman this year. We don’t want people thinking you’re pro-ISIS
Instead of candy, give out all those sweet Pogs you’ve be saving.
Turn Halloween into Pre-Thanksgiving
Start your own Purge.
Don’t carves pumpkins into a jack-o’-lanterns. Carve Jacks into lanterns.
Dress like a ghost hunter. It looks a lot like the asshole costume.
Remember to Instagram yourself over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again the night of.
Don’t be fooled by the guy dressed up in the Nicolas Cage costume. It’s really Nicolas Cage.
2 words: Swedish Fish
Don’t stop at candy. Ask to see their CD collection They might have Michelle Branch’s The Spirit Room! That album was the shit!
Give out Zunes
Stay at home and watch the Wings marathon.
You want the best Halloween ever?! Don’t have kids.