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Published: February 08, 2012
Description: I work with a lot of interesting people...

I work at Publix. I am a grocery replenishment specialist. I can't tell you which store I work at. It is one of the many Publixes on peachtree street, as you found out in Atlanta Falcons Cheerleader Rejection.

The people I work with are interesting.

The grocery manager is Bennet. On my first day of work, he took me on a tour of the store and kept stumbling over his words, forgetting what he was trying to say. Every time he stumbled, he would slap himself on the forehead,

"Gosh! I can't talk today!"

I'm like dude, relax, I'm not even listening. I've been in a grocery store before. They have shelves, and they put shit on the shelves and sell it to people.

They have pictures of the store managers on a plaque hanging in customer service. The managers are all smiling in their shirts and ties and mustache glory. The pictures are old, because none of them have mustaches anymore.

The rule is if you shave your mustache you can't grow it back at work, you have to be on vacation. The mustache must already be established prior to your return. If I was into mustaches, I'd beat the system and request time off for a "Mustache Break." Sorry guys, gotta get this puppy purrin.

Everybody manager has their full name printed on the plaque. But Bennet's just says "B Bennet"

Why is their no first name? Why does it just say B? I also noticed it just says "B" on his name tag. A store employee told me that his real name is Brandon, but don't ever call him that because he hates it.

Now I know what line to use on him if he ever fires me,

"You won this time...Brandon."

After my first training session I asked B if my position would be upgraded from grocery replenishment specialist to grocery master. He said no. Then he pretended to knight me, and gave me a pretend whap to the forehead.

Alan cooks food samples for the customers. He gets on the intercom and announces today's sample in his gayest voice possible, which is also his normal voice.

 "Goooood afternooon Publixxx shooooppperrrrs!!!!!"

He announces whatever he's cooking that day, and says,

"Thanks for shopping at Publix, where shopping..."

then his voice lowers, he puts on his serious gay voice,

"is a pleaaasure.."

He makes a lot of innuendo's, an innuendo at every opportunity he gets. He'll say "Thanks for trying my meat, Ben" with a wink, or if I flick him off he'll look at me up and down and say "When?"

He does it in a joking way, but I know there is a serious tone to the joking. I am aware of this.

Another employee calls him sweet pockets. I asked him why? Why sweet pockets?

"Cuz he got sugar in every pocket."

Hanzel is the assistant grocery manager. He has this short laugh he does after he says something to you. It's a cross between a laugh and a constipated moan you make when you're taking a shit. It's spontaneous, I can't tell where the laugh comes from but when it comes, you'll be like, what?

When I first started, he said,

"Tell me about yourself" ::constipated laugh::

I hate that question. So I acted like the guy on the show Breaking Bad. He's a real bad ass, if someone asks him a question he doesn't feel like answering, he stares them down with a mean look and waits for them to say something else, forcing them to change the subject. So I did that. It worked. Some time passed and he asked another question.

An employee told me that working at Publix feels like prison. I don't agree. There are similarities to prison, like the uniforms and the abundance of gay people, but besides that it's laid back.

If you screw up, or work slow, no one comes at you screaming. You can cuss out a manager if you want, and all they do is say "Ben, go home." Then you get to go home.

Evan used to be homeless. He lived in the lobby of a hospital for two months when someone finally realized he wasn't a patient. He looks like a patient. He's bone skinny. He makes a lot of jokes about smoking crack, kind of like how Alan makes jokes about wanting to touch my meat.

Sometimes he's a little loud out there in grocery land. He can't control himself, he gets angry.
He told Hanzel that he is a fucking idiot. Guess what his punishment was? Hanzel sent him home.

"Go home" :::constipated laugh:::

Then they transferred him to another store. Now he doesn't have to work with the fucking idiot.

Part II Coming Soon