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Published April 15, 2011

This shit gets thicker, pun intended (pun?)


...Me and Jack Kerouac were daytripping in Baia, Italy recovering lost incubation cave relics. Method Man just signed a year contract with Sonic God-Old-Fashioned [sic] American Drive-in to do ad placement in the newest Wu Tang Clan album, as evident in the titular, albeit working, "Realm of the 36 remarkable flavors in Sonic American Drive-In Marinara Dojo." I dipped my hand into Virgil's "river Styx" (That asshole was high on oracle-juice, I'm positive) and slowly, sensually, quenched my thirst. We spelunked deep into the stifling caverns, sure that we would find the parchment codices necessary to link Sonic Fun American Drive-In's marinara somehow with the biblical Davidian blood line (could this marinara have been the blood of King David himself? Some scholars could argue this.). What we found was something so remarkable, that I can only tell you in person. Needless to say, we were quickly ushered out of the cave by armed men who only had a Roman Cross for insignia. We couraged ourselves to return the following Winter solstice, only to find the entrance to the cave Cemented shut. Someone (The pope), somewhere (the Vatican), whom I cannot mention (I can), doesn't want anyone to know what we know. My dying words, as my father, will most likely be some contrived riddle concerning this [sacred?] marinara.
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A few days later....

I mean, let's look at the facts. Jeremiah 7:13 clearly states, "Big ass king Joey L'orange, known in Egypt as Joey the Orange, did a bunch of begetting, and along came High Prefect Joey VI, who, only having one basketful of Sonic All-Time Classic American Drive-In marinara packets, fed 5000 men and women (haha, just kidding, no women) a nine course covered dish meal while 7,000 hungry children seethed with jealousy. And Pontiff Joe the Plain looked on and determined that the prophesy was fulfilled." This is supported in Gnostic documents found at Nag Hammadi, where the only difference is that the passage has the prefect feeding 5000 men and a few sissies, and the dishes were uncovered. Archeologists frequently dismiss life on other planets, but only in Ladd Mormon, M.R.T. 's precision dig in Southern Somalia unearthed facts that led researchers to believe Sonic American Drive-In's marinara was prevalent as early as Saturday, if you think of the entire Earth's history in terms of a week, and today is Sunday. The chemical profundity of the marinara sped evolution by contributing to an enlargement in Neanderthal hippocampuses, and some evidence suggests it was introduced into the population by crazy grey men in spinning discs from the sky. With brains agorging, early man could now use abacuses for the first time, recognized a serious need for toothbrushes, and invented sex. Sweet! Sex! You won't see that in 'em history books!

This is eerie, or is it
Tuscan

P.S. I have consigned myself to write nothing more than facts supporting the deification of Sonic, America's Drive-In Marinara. Let's hunker down and get cozy, shall we.
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Lastly...

One time, and I wish to not be making this up, Sonic America's Premier Drive-In, hog down, Drive-out American drive-In's marinara played a premier role in the elections of free-Iraq. We (me and him) were in the Gobi excavating the bank of a wadi, May 20th 2008, discovering mostly animal-bone chisels and potsherds, when we came upon a small, plastic, ribbed bucket... it couldn't have held more than one to two fluid ounces... so we decided to perform some radio-carbon dating on it (far superior to Radio Disney dating. Them girls always hit you up for your twallet). It proved quickly to be made of some sort of polymer, but more interesting it was simultaneously dated as year 2008 (give or take 10 years.. most likely take) and year zero H.T. (heaven time, a.k.a. the beginning of it all). WE quizbled over this for only a brief time, me and the other guy, when a squad of elite demon-mages in sliver-black cloaks descended upon us to retrieve what we had come to realize was the Holy Grail, the cup that runneth over, Riane Eisler's symbolic chalice, Gaia's mentrual fount, etc., A Sonic 24-Hr. Drive-Thru American Drive-In marinara cup. I can only assume the demons wanted to prevent proof that this exquisite culinary delight exists, because if people could know (in the biblical sense) and taste this marinara, they'd know God exists. Too many questions answered, and unanswered questions are sweet for evil. We managed to lose the omniscient beings down an alley, which the desert happens to be rife with. For now. Don't let our secret languish for fear; visit a Sonic Premium American Drive-In from 2pm to 4pm for half price drinks and Slushees (called "slushes") and quietly order mozzarella sticks, side of "Gaia's period," and wink into the speaker, and know (in the biblical sense). Then, a minister was elected to Free-Iraq.


I write air tight stories,
Trashcan Prom'nade

p.s. Election advice- Don't express creative thought about the Holocaust.


Changed into Wingdings font.

Please, I beg you, read:
Sonic Marinara Part I

And if you wanna:
When I found out my wife was a Mexican

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