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March 28, 2011

Kick your week off by getting answers to ALL of life's problems. Just "Ask Dr. Justin". He knows his shit. He can fix your car, he can stimulate your stubborn clitoris, and he can tell you what is wrong with your kids. He can get your pets to listen to you, he can get your husband to put down the remote, and he can help you kill yourself.

Question 1 from Mike in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, NY:

Dr. Justin, 

  I'm going through a transitional phase of life right now and the decisions I make now will effect every aspect of my life for the foreseeable future. The situation is this - I have two job offers. One of which provides me a more secure financial situation but may not be exactly what I'd like to do with my life. The other is more in the direction I'd like to go but will make life in the near future a lot more difficult due to the lower paying salary. Will I be happier taking the position that is more in tune with my interests? Or will the ease of not scraping by help me to enjoy life enough to not worry about it? 

Hey Mike,

  You came to the right place.  You have the common dilemma of, "Should I follow my dreams or play it safe and be financially secure?"  Why not have your cake and eat it too. Here's what you do.  You live in Greenpoint so this should be easy. Go to your nearest corner and approach the man that you've seen standing there for the past several years.  Your future financial security is in his hands or stashed behind a dumpster somewhere.  Now listen up.  DO NOT FORGET TO SHOW HIM YOUR FAKE BADGE.  Tell him to give up the shit or he is going back to Ryker's and he knows he can't go back to Ryker's.  He goes back to Ryker's and he is just another prag that's gonna be stuck in C block with the Arians.  You'll make sure of that.  

  Now once he has given you his money and stash I would very hastily get back to your apartment and begin the process of cutting the shit with a mixture of gasoline, crushed light bulbs, and baking powder.  This will double your supply and double your profit!  Take what you have and parse it out into tiny little gram bags.  Drive upstate to wherever you're from, I'm guessing Connecticut, and enlist the town dirt bag, (look for the guy that's way older than everyone at the parties) to sell each gram at $60 a pop to the locals.  The townspeople will be ecstatic and you will have enough supplemental income to take that dream job.  

Glad to help buddy  

Question 2 from Fiona in Park Slope, Brooklyn, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

So, my boyfriend always shaves his head. I respect his individuality or whatever it is he's going for.. but i'd really like to have some hair to run my fingers through. Thoughts on how I can approach asking him or at least gain a guys perspective. 

Hey Fiona,

  I strongly suggest that you immediately set off on a course to find out who your boyfriend really is.  What does this mean?  You need to be up in his shit.  You need access to all his accounts.  Facebook, bank, money market, Gmail, savings, checking, etc.  You need to monitor his masturbation and whatever other sick shit he does when you're not around.  How do I do this? Surveillance, surveillance, and more surveillance.  Turn your apartment into Nixon's White House.  

  There is a 95% chance that he is cheating on you and there is an 80% chance it's with your best friend or sister.  With those kind of odds why take the chance of not spying on his every move.  This sick son-of-a-bitch is going to ruin your life if you don't watch it.  Begin a nightly routine of sedating him and rummaging through his things while he sleeps like a dead log.  This heavy sedation will allow you to poke and prod his lifeless body for any forensic evidence (semen, cat scratches, pubic hair) connected to his highly probable lascivious, adulterous behavior.  

Good luck!        


Question 3 from Amy in Manchester, VT:

 Hey Dr. J,

I caught a co-worker's kid smoking a cigarette.  Do I tell my co-worker?

Hey Amy,


  Take a deep breath, count to 10, and assess the situation.  This could be a wonderful opportunity.  You live in Vermont and I assume there is plenty of shoveling, raking, stacking wood, and painting that needs to get done around the house.  You tell this kid that if he's not at your house every Saturday at 8 AM you are gonna sing like a canary.  

  In fact, there is no limit to the amount of teenage blackmail you can do around town.  Start following the popular kids after football games and school dances.  You'll catch them smoking weed, drinking beers, and awkwardly fingerbanging girls like a goddamn jackhammer run riot.  You'll have enough dirt on the high school scene to build that new addition you've always dreamed of.  

Glad to help