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Memorial Day marks the unofficial beginning of summer, and you know what that means: barbecue season! Here are some tips on how to throw the perfect summer cookout.

  • Once heated, don’t touch the surface of the grill with your bare hands or genitals.
  • Remember to make a salad to throw away
  • Make sure every song on your party playlist ends with “(Glee version)”
  • Plenty of delicious, freshly brewed, piping-hot coffee
  • Remind guests that by reading your Kiss The Cook apron, they’ve entered a legally binding agreement. Then put on your Give The Cook a Handjob apron!
  • There may be vegetarians at the barbecue, so make sure to have something for them, like a bag of chips and a middle finger.
  • If you’re a guest, don’t overstay your welcome. If you’re the host, after a reasonable time, cut the lights and start farting at anyone still hanging around.
  • If you have any leftover ribs, consider making a woman to copulate with.
  • You’re gonna want to have huge stacks of old newspapers taking up your entire back yard, to let your guests know you read.
  • If your barbecue is broken, don’t worry. Burgers can be cooked by earnestly singing “America The Beautiful” at them.
  • If you’re manning the grill, wear an apron with something witty written on it, like that David Sedaris essay about his childhood speech therapist.
  • Remember: If you give a man a hotdog, he’ll eat for a day. If you teach a man to hotdog, he’ll know the trendy new dance move, the “Hotdog.”
  • Remind everyone to bring sunscreen. No one needs a whole bottle so you’ll have plenty to masturbate with later.
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