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November 22, 2015

Simple tricks anyone can use on Black Friday

Nothing beats the tradition of getting trampled on Black Friday, but it seems like every year the crowds become more unbearable and the overall experience grows too commercialized. Not to fear: with the alternatives below, you can still get a classic day-after-Thanksgiving trampling but without all the crowd-related headaches that usually come with it.

Bullfighting- Trade in the chaotic parking, bad Christmas music, and screaming arguments over the last discounted 40-inch plasma for the soothing snorts and rhythmic trot of a rampaging beast bred from the finest Miura lineage headed right toward you.

Entering a Horse Race on Foot- Give me 10 graceful thoroughbreds at the peak of their racing prime over 100 haggard soccer moms still reeking of green bean casserole any day. Be sure to give yourself a ten-yard head start!

Releasing a Cage Full of Adolescent Chimpanzees- Shake it violently first so you know they’re all awake.

Standing between a Mother Hippo and her Young- There’s a reason the hippopotamus is referred to as “nature’s Walmart shopper.” To a hippo, every day is Black Friday, especially the days when you jump the barrier at the zoo and stand precisely where you shouldn’t.

Playing Jenga with Cinder Blocks- Where does it say you can only be trampled by a living creature? And where does it say getting trampled can’t be fun?

Creating an Avalanche- Why hang around the toy aisle waiting to get trampled when you can transport yourself inside the world’s most painful body wash commercial? This is trampling the way God meant it, with dynamite on a mountain.

Obstructing the Path of a Fleet of Delivery Drones- The inevitable future of holiday shopping doesn’t have to preclude getting trampled.

Climbing a Shelf Full of Paint Cans to Polish the Loose Bowling Balls on Top- You’ve been meaning to check this off the to-do list anyway.

Keep Telling that Woman Who Beat Ronda Rousey that it was a Fluke- Does getting pummeled still count as getting trampled?

Picking a Fight with Ronda Rousey to Help Get Her Confidence Back- Honestly, this is the one that feels most in the spirit of the holidays.