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My name is Newt Gingrich. I am an American politician, author, political consultant and three-time husband. You may know me as the former Speaker of the House, active member of the GOP, or as a three-time Mr. Universe applicant. For fun I like to play games that toy with death. We are all just pawns on the backgammon board of life. This is a list of things that I have done and tried or intend to do or fantasize about. If you do them, you will be as hardcore as me. If you don’t do them well, you will die trying in the process. Sometimes people just need to nut up and do things that are insane, irrational, that could possibly kill you. If I could take a zipline to work every day I would. But I cannot find a harness. This is a metaphor for the fact that the world just cannot harness me or my power. Why didn’t I release this fun guide “Gingrich or Die Trying” in 2005, you ask, to coincide with the Thanksgiving release of Fiddy’s movie? 2005 was a busy year for me, you see. A lot of good movies came out that year. Mr. Cent also released an album of the same name in 2003, but I haven’t had time to listen to it yet, and I can’t find it anywhere on 8-Track.

 

To The Moon

I have a Ralph Kramden costume in my car that I am just itching to wear and tell my wife that one of these days I am going to send her straight to the moon. I like the moon, I really want to go there, so it is not a threat so much as a promise. As a child my favorite book was “Goodnight, Moon” and my favorite movie was “Paper Moon.” My favorite Billy Idol cover is “Mony, Mony”. When I found out they were saying “Mony” familiarly and not “Moony” I was a bit disappointed. Still a good cover though. I wonder if it is really possible to punch a woman to the moon, though. Of course, “The Honeymooners” takes place in a very different time when that was socially acceptable. 2005. I am talking about the Cedric the Entertainer version. As a group, or in pairs, take turns punching each other in the face and see if you can gain any leverage off the ground. If you do get far enough off the ground and into the stratosphere, you may very well die of lack of oxygen before you get to the moon. But you would become famous in the process as “The Guy Who Got Punched In The Face So Hard He Flew”.

 

The Hungrich Games

In this movie there is a place called the Capitol which is a very funny coincidence because we have our very own Capitol Building in Washington. This must be a comment on something. Probably not though. We are not bad people. We’re fun. I’ve only had eighty-four ethics charges filed against me in my life which is really not that many. Not even triple digits. You can’t please everyone, or even most people. In the future there will probably be many more people whining about things that I do as President, even more than there are now, if you can believe that. In that case, I would totally be cool with teenagers, what with their skinny jeans and their Linkin Park and their Tamagotchis, jumping in a giant battle arena to fight to the death as a distraction. What a Capitol idea, if you’ll pardon the pun, which you will. I haven’t tried this yet but I would really love to get 23 of my closest friends to fight to the death with me. It would be rewarding as well as fun. If you win, you are famous, and if you don’t, you get a posthumous mention on the television at least. Gee, what a way to get the blood pumping. There must be positive effects of the Games that are not really highlighted in detail in the movie. I mean, Woody Harrelson’s hair grew back for fuck’s sake.

 

The Limbaugh Limbo

Rush Limbaugh and I are not the same person. It is racist of you to think so. We have an on-again-off-again relationship, like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, or Robin Wright Penn and Sean Penn. Sometimes, it is uncontrolled and unhinged, sometimes it is rekindled in our best interests when one of us needs the media boost. You should try this sometime. Find a patch of thin ice and light a fire on it, then host a luau. Roast a pig on a spit. Have a kosher option, though. Then do the limbo before all the ice cracks, sending you into the freezing cold, nipple-raising, watery depths.

 

Shark Baiting

This is the act of giving relief or pleasure to a shark. It is very dangerous. It is also very difficult because sharks are always in motion. If they ever stop swimming they die. If you are successful you will probably make the cover of National Geographic because it is that difficult and rare. Maybe that is why sharks are always mad and biting people. 

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