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April 22, 2011

Boston Bruin Defenseman Andrew Ference flips the bird to Montreal fans

  In what can only be described as an attack on international diplomacy, Boston Bruin Defenseman Andrew Ference gave the middle finger to over 21,000 hockey fans in Montreal's Belle Centre (Center) last night.  This affront to French Canadian culture and heritage will do nothing to thaw the already icy relationship between the neighboring countries.  The last time the historical rivals (Boston Bruins and Montreal Canadians) met in the playoffs, the Bell Centre crowd booed the US National Anthem mercilessly.  That atrocity was reportedly in response to the TD Banknorth Garden's "Kick a Canadian Night" in Boston.

  When interviewed after the game, the Canadian born Ference said "about" weirdly several times while referring to all his teammates with a Y at the end of their names (Timmy, Lucy, Bergy, Marchy).  He blamed the flipped bird on his new Bauer hockey glove, the controversial "Bauer Middle Finger Fuck You Elite-Lite Pro", that offers extra flexibility and relief to the much maligned digit.  When interviewed, Canadians fans offered their side of the story in a over confident and condescending French accent reminiscent of Pepe Le Pew.


    Earlier in the season, Ference broke the "Code" when he called out teammate Daniel Paille for cheap-shotting a defenseless Dallas player Raymond Sawada.  This gutless attack on hockey tradition, along with his extensive philanthropic environmental work, tell us all we need to know.  It's one thing to call out people for senseless violence, but it's a completely different thing to extend your middle finger to defenseless, innocent, angelic hockey fans.  Ference should be ashamed of himself this morning.

  The NHL league office is ready to throw down the hammer.  League commissioner Gary Bettman released this statement, "This kind of tasteless, disgusting gesture will not be tolerated.  We don't give middle fingers and we don't swear.  Get over here Andrew Ference so I can wash your mouth out with soap.  Next time you have an anger issue, drop your gloves and hit another player as hard as you can as many times as you can in the face.  That's how adults solves problems.  Grow up."

  Reportedly, the Quebec Armed Forces have put their 5 missiles on full alert.  Premier of Quebec, Jean Charest, is calling for Ference to "Take it back".  If Ference says "nuh-uh" and does not comply with demands, Charest is threatening to shut down St. Catherine street to American teenage boys looking to, in the words of Scott Bourhill of Dorset, VT, "Get drunk and see some titties.  I can't believe this is real.  This is the greatest day of my life."  Don't ruin it for everyone Andrew Ference.  Say you're sorry.