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April 21, 2011

As Seen On Bolevin.com

This has been a busy week! My band, Ungrateful Ninja’s, audition for the talent show went… well, it went. We got into the talent show though! That’s the good news. Even if we are a serious, artistic challenged, rock outfit performing in the comedy section of the talent show.

When the band walked on staged the crowd was already gasping and giggling, but when my scorpion sneakily erupted into a full blown pig orgasm the crowd were in stitches. Afterwards the judges were laughing hysterically and the little auditioning audience was on their feet! It wasn’t exactly what we were going for, but I acted like we were aiming for comedic sounds, just to get that chance to prove the crowd wrong on Saturday!

When we sat in my mother’s car afterwards I cried a little. Nothing major. I listened to Elliot Smith wallowing, while the rest of the band sat uncomfortably in the back of the car. When we got back to my house I insisted that we start rehearsing immediately if we want to silence those fucking school kids, but Faggy Frederick quit. Apparently he has too much pride to be belittled like that, and after I chipped his tooth with a wrench that just happened to be on the table next to me, I begged him to stay, but he aggressively called his mother and the band was without a flutist. Nick and Homeless Marvin quickly joined in on Faggy Frederick’s rebellious ways and quit the band. Where in the world have you heard with a homeless man with pride?

So I am a one man outfit. I decided to make the most of this opportunity. My solo career was being launched a little sooner than planned, but good God I look fabulous in my plastic, diamond incrusted onesie. I scraped together a backing track, using the intro’s of a lot of random songs. I don’t know how to remove the vocals on a track, so I had to go for my second best idea. The back track is a bit of a mess, but I am sure that all the new animal characteristics I’m working on will knife the smiles of their smug little horse faces.

So since Friday I’ve been skipping lectures to work on my act. Do you think that Childish Gambino would skip rehearsal to write a useless accounting exam? Because I don’t. I am so committed to blowing the audience away that I decided to ignore the reminder of my mother’s birthday on my phone in order to rehearse. Today I discovered a hidden, pregnant seahorse character in me, and it’s going to be the climax of a perfect musical number.

I’ve got to go now. My Grammy isn’t going to win itself.