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December 10, 2010

This is a story about one of the many uncomfortable situations my terrible roommate put me in. Hope you enjoy.

My girlfriend and I were watching Jersey Shore (wonderful show) on my laptop, since we missed it's airing on television. My bed is in the left corner of our room as soon as you walk in, and the headboard is in the corner. We were both laying with our heads touching the headboard, and my laptop approximately two feet from our faces. Bill heard Pauly D shouting his traditional "Oh yeahhhhh, champagne yeahhhh!", and immediately walked into the room and gave us his famous "I'm going to speak to you for about ten minutes about nothingness" stare. Since our attention was luckily focused elsewhere, he decided to chime in and get a little closer.

"Are you guys watching the new Jersey Shore episode?" he asked.
"Yes" I replied.I already knew where this was going.
"I didn't see that one yet."
"Oh, it's pretty good." I guess he mistook my statement and thought that I really said, "Please come join my girlfriend and I in this claustrophobic space that we chose to avoid confrontation with you and watch the show with us!"

His next move was to stand over my girlfriends shoulder (I was on the inside of the bed, against the wall) and twist his head into a viewing position, like one of those flexible desk lamps. The awkward meter was warming up, currently at five. Once contortion viewing became tiring, he then proceeded to crouch down to get an even better view of my 13" computer screen. The awkward meter was now going above seven, so it was time to make a move.

Me: You know they put all of these episodes online right?
Bill: Yeah, but I don't think this one is up yet.

I was practically speechless . .

Me: Were watching it online right now. It's up, on the MTV website. Anyone can watch it there."
Bill: Oh, cool.

He continued watching the show. What does a guy have to do? Common!
I was getting desperate and had to think of something fast. I couldn't enjoy watching Angelina's televised humiliation while this guy was hovering over my girlfriend and I. What did I do? What any full grown man with half of a college degree would do: "I have to take a sh*t."

I paused the computer and made my way to the bathroom. I didn't really have to go, but I was already in the bathroom and you might as well use the time wisely, you know? A few short minutes passed and I came back to Bill standing in the center of the room. When I laid back down and prepared to press the play button, he was in the process of pulling a chair over to my bed to continue watching. Luckily I hadn't unpacked yet from my trip home that weekend and there was no space for a chair. After taking forty five second to process the circumstances, he left the room defeated.

Saved by the Bell? Not today. I was Saved by the Sh*t.