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Stats & Data

July 03, 2008


so, i'm not very good at remembering jokes, which i unfortunate because i'm great at telling them. it's about the only thing my high school acting experiences have ever assisted me with. that a bold faced lies to financial institutions and prospective investors about my credit rating. in fact the only joke i can ever remember is, why don't ghosts have babies?

because they have halloweenies!


i found that in a 'Highlights' magazine

i'm also not very skilled at being funny on command. generally speaking, when told (because i'm never ASKED to be funny) i end up singing songs about bow-legged women, or just putting on an english accent and saying the word "cunt" a LOT. sometimes, if she's not around, i'll riff about the smokehaus in my wife's vagina were i cure my meat to make jerky. but it doesn't matter what i'm doing, i need audience parcticipation to be truly, piss your pants, kind of funny.

so, i blog in protest of this competition because it plays to all of my weaknesses. and i will not be exploited...unless i win. then i will all reap the accolades and attention that hysterical blogging promises; viral fame! an opinion that matters for nearly three days! unadulterated distain from people i will never see! offers from (possibly) young (usually) women to masturbate myself while they type sexy messages!

oh, the glory! oh, the fame!


from my isolated viewing post i can manipulate the data stream to be whatever i want it to be and influence the worldview of a whole 74 people (well, actually it's probably less than that since so many people have multiple user names now) to match my own. my following will raise me to demi-god status and pollinate the bloggosphere with my ideas and opinions and soon my thoughts will become the instant public opinion and i...i will control the world!

oh, god! i can't stop laughing maniacally and rubbing my hands together. what has this power done to me?!?

i'm too excited by myself, i need to calm the fuck down. time to head to youporn and relax to some japanese simulation sex videos.

...i forgot, the joke in the title...

you can't fuck a rock.