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December 10, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

A look at election results revealed that Obama won over 70 percent of "religiously unaffiliated" voters. Likewise, he won a majority of Kenyans who believe everything Donald Trump says.

Nelson Mandela has been hospitalized for the second day in a row. It remains unclear if he will be up for narrating the sequel to "March of the Penguins."

In Germany, 800 people participated in an annual 10k race in which everyone dresses like Santa. Germans: They love marching in uniforms and looking inside chimneys.

Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel became the first freshman to ever win the Heisman Trophy. Which should help him feel less self-conscious about putting on those 15 pounds.

Gay couples in Washington were awarded marriage licenses for the first time since the state voted to legalize gay marriage. The couples were so happy, they almost considered calling to tell their parents.

Columbian President Hugo Chavez revealed he's still battling cancer. Or as he likes to call it, America.

Prior to Manny Pacquiao's latest boxing match, Mitt Romney reportedly stopped in and said, “Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost." Romney then apologized that he couldn't stay longer, as he had 50 other people he had to depress that night.

Videos of South Korean pop singer Psy have surfaced in which he performs an anti-U.S. military song. Which really makes that cowboy in the elevator seem more and more like a parable.

Sen. Jo Manchin wrote a message to MTV asking them to cancel a reality show based in his state. To make sure they got it, he had it telegraphed twice.

The Rolling Stones performed in Brooklyn over the weekend to a sell-out crowd. Old, rich white guys being celebrated? What is this, Manhattan?

Scientists have discovered a new dinosaur featuring a large, prominent nose. "An old, rich white guy with a large nose being celebrated? What is this, Manhattan?" said Mel Gibson.