*If you hate spoilers, but wanna see some Honest Christmas Snow Globes click here.

**If you wanna read last week’s recap of EP 1 “The Bone Orchard” click here.

***If wanna click something that won’t take you anywhere click here.


This episode had it all; timeless racism,mental games, famous penis…here’s the 13 most divine moments from a dynamite hour of television.

#1 A Trickster Trumps His Believers

Holy moly, Orlando Jones as Anansi is diabolical! He’s like a cross between The Joker and Trump (who’s real life The Joker).

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“Andre 3000 wishes he looked this dope.”

Anansi’s speech about slavery is as important to the men trapped on that slave ship as it is now to Africans in modern America. Here’s a bit of his superb speech.

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#BlackLivesMatter

And, here’s how it felt as a white dude watching it with my African roommate.

#2 Speaking Of Trump

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“WTF you mean my bill is $1,000,000,000?”

No way Shadow Moon’s health insurance will cover this next year. Especially if his pre-existing condition is ‘Dealing with Deities’.

#3 You’re Telling Me There’s No Sheraton?

Shadow Moon’s working for a God now. Why is he staying at a place that looks like it was built by bed bugs? Every town has at least one La Quinta Inn. Go there.

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America’s lights aren’t even on.

#4 Shadow, Remember Last Week When You Looked Through A Noose, And Almost Died?

I thought you learned a lesson. Don’t sleep in room 113. That’s bad luck. You just got out of jail. Get a different room so you can finally enjoy the perks of freedom. Perks like relaxing on a toilet that doesn’t double as a prison wine barrel.

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EASTER EGG: The sign under 113 says “No Stinky Poo’s”

#4 Otherwise It Ain’t Premium Cable

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Brave

Every premium cable show worth its salt shows nude male backs. Otherwise what are we paying for?

#5 Method Crying

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He’s so sad he can barely flex his arm.

Ricky Whittle (Shadow Moon) does my favorite type of on-camera crying: Put your hand to your face, crumple your eyebrows, shake your body a bit. Bravo! Now, that’s how a pro misses his dead wife.

#6 Dane’s Dick

*Disclaimer: I feel like I have a duty to show it so skip this one if you don’t wanna see world famous stand up comedian Dane Cook’s dick.

Last week we learned that Dane Cook’s playing Robbie, and Robbie was getting a BJ from Shadow’s wife when they both died.


Okay, here we go – I thought things couldn’t get any worse for Shadow as he packs up his empty house, but there’s a box on the bed containing Dane Cook’s dick.

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It’s in this box.

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Last Chance To Scroll Past It

Okay.

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For the full experience read “Down boy” in Dane Cook’s voice.

Damn. You looked. What’s wrong with you? You and Shadow need to get it together cuz after seeing that you’re both gonna see it everywhere.

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“I always wondered why she kept that picture on her dresser.”

#7 Another Fun Americana Car Commercial

This is the second episode featuring a car commercial scene after something traumatic (Dane’s peen), and I really like these. They’re so Americana with their open roads, clear skies, and 1970’s music.

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“I wish on this daffodil you’d buy a Cadillac.”

PLUS: Major props to Mr. Wednesday for cruising to Creedence Clearwater Revival. They play a musical genre I call Snooze Noodling.

#8 Uh-Oh, Media On Media On Media

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“Why does Cost Co. have an Inception aisle?”

I WATCHED THIS EPISODE ON ONE TYPE OF MEDIA.THEN, ON A DIFFERENT MEDIA WROTE THIS ARTICLE. THEN, USED ANOTHER TYPE OF MEDIA TO ORDER FOOD. NOW, YOU’RE READING IT ON ANOTHER MEDIA, AND SOMEONE ELSE ON ANOTHER MEDIA, AND OH MY HEAVENS WE WORSHIP MEDIA!

#9 Bilquis, Please Pee

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“I forgot to pay my electric bill.”

Bilquis, you’re a terrific character, but if you don’t pee after swallowing millions of humans with your vagina I’m scared you’ll get a UTI. Please shower too, and wash your sheets. They gotta be gross.

#10 Sakra, Sestry Zorya Sú Môj Druh Divákov (Damn, Zorya Sisters Are My Kind Of Freaks)

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“Watch this, bitch.”

The oldest Zorya sister is like the grandma I never had, but always wanted. I feel like if she was my grandma every time I visited she’d chug a bottle of vodka, smash it on the floor, then grab my palm to read my fortune like a cooler Miss Cleo. My fortune would always be “I see you at Dave & Busters!” and then she’d take me to Dave & Busters :)

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I don’t talk much on this show, similar to my character on the terrific show Baskets.

#11 Czernobog Was My Favorite Dude –

Soon as he walked through his front door, and threw a lamp at Mr. Wednesday’s head I fell in love. He’s filthy, he’s funny, he’s like your kooky grandpa.

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I forgot my shirt today.

#12 But Then He Ruined It–

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Dammit Czernobog! You coulda been my favorite, but like every racist Grandpa once you have a few drinks you let your hateful truth slip out.

#13 Shadow, I Said Don’t Sleep In Room 113

This is the second week in a row you’ve looked at death, and death winked back. Now, Czernobog’s gonna kill you.

You thought I was insane in Fargo.

Here’s a joke from the Old World – What’s black, and white, and red all over? Czernobog covered in Shadow Moon’s blood next episode!

I assume the next episode is the season finale. It will probably start with Shadow Moon’s skull being crushed by his hammer, then fade to a black screen that reads HE DIED THE END.

I’m sure that’s how it will end, but I guess I’ll have to wait until next Sunday night to find out. Until then, here’s how this episode ends.

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And, again how it felt watching it with my roommate.

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