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FOD Wire
33 Funny Votes
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Published June 04, 2008

Hill Valley, CA- In the aftermath of a blaze which started at Universal Studios and spread to Hill Valley's historic Courthouse Square, Mayor Goldie Wilson lashed out against President Bush and the Federal Emergency Management Agency on Wednesday.

"Both the President and FEMA have dropped the ball in this situation. How can an entire American town burn down in this day and age?" contended Wilson. "We've already lost the clock tower, the Texaco station, and most of Lyons Estates.   How long will the government wait to intervene?"

"It's been four days without federal assistance," continued Wilson. "Hill Valley as we know it is destroyed. I worked at Lou's Cafe as a young man, and now it's a pile of ashes. We have entire neighborhoods taking up residence in Lone Pine Mall."

President Bush's slow response came under attack from the town's few surviving residents, including Hill Valley High's Principal Strickland: "Bush is a slacker. He reminds me of his father when he was President. He was a slacker, too."

Among the town's disillusioned inhabitants is George McFly, author of the 1985 sci-fi classic, A Match Made in Space . "FEMA's response is disgraceful. I used to believe if you put your mind to it, you could accomplish anything. Now, I'm not so sure."

Local musician Marvin Berry is organizing an all-star benefit for Hill Valley's displaced residents. Expected to make an appearance is his cousin, Chuck.

Developers had planned to renovate Courthouse Square with a Cafe '80s theme restaurant, state-of-the-art Holomax Theatre, and reflection pool. But due to damage caused by the conflagration, the new structures might not be feasible until 2014 or 2015.  

Walking past the charred remains of two local residents, Mayor Wilson could not contain his grief: "To think, 50 years ago, teenagers roamed these streets in poodle skirts and 3-D glasses. It's all gone now."

As the death toll continued to escalate without government assistance, Mayor Wilson reached out to local inventor "Doc" Emmett Brown, who has proposed a mysterious solution requiring cooperation with a Libyan fringe organization.

"At this point, we're desperate," said Mayor Wilson, stressing the need to quickly rebuild the town's infrastructure: "We need simple necessities- water, shelter, and accessible roads."

Emmett Brown added: "Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads."

           


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