Syrian President Bashar al-Assad recently traveled to Moscow to secretly meet with Putin. In a photo released after the meeting, Assad and Putin are both all-smiles. We have a first-person analysis of the Assad-Putin meeting photo, where Assad and Putin describe what they were all-smiles about.
Assad: See, I came to Russia because I am totally getting my ass kicked in Syria. There are ISIS dudes running around and then these other guys who, like, I don’t even know what they want. But they all hate me, probably because they’re jealous of how awesome I am and how well my suits fit me.
Putin: So I offer help. It is customary in Russian culture to be warm to friends. And warmer to enemies.
Assad: Wait, am I a friend or an enemy?
Putin: Don’t worry about it.
Assad: Haha! You’re such a joker! So Vlad and I — uh, I can call you Vlad, right?
Putin: … Sure.
Assad: Haha, cool. So Vlad and I had just finished this enormous Russian dinner, with like tons of fish jelly and pickle soup and cabbage rolls. It was so delicious!
Putin: Don’t push it. It was Russian food. Not that delicious.
Assad: So we step out into this room full of journalists, and — typical Vlad! — Vlad picks that moment to tell a hi-larious fart joke about his former wife’s cooking.
Putin: It was not joke. She make garbage food.
Assad: What was the joke again? That if her pelmeni made you fart anymore, you were going to have her executed? Hahaha!
Putin: Again, it was not joke.
Assad: Hahaha. You had to be there, but it was so funny. It was so freaking funny! Man, still makes me laugh.
Putin: It is my overwhelming Russian humor and charm. I rode horse with no shirt once, you know?
Assad: That horse-ride was incredible! You’re my hero! Anyhow, back to our story. Then Vlad takes it a step further! He actually farts on command, to punctuate the joke he had just told! It was hi-larious! Best joke ever!
Putin: It was not joke. I had to fart. Russian cabbage does number to stomach, despite fact that my insides are made of metal because I am Russian robot without feelings.
Assad: That fart was hi-larious. And then I was like, “by the way, can you bomb the hell out of these people who want to take over my country?”
Putin: So I said, “Sure. Bombing is what Putin does best.” Because bombing is what I do best. Other than treating United States to my overwhelming Russian humor and charm.
Assad: Vlad was like “First, we must shake on it.” And I was like: shake hands with Vlad!? In front of cameras!? So everyone in the world can see we’re friends forever!? FOR SURE!
Putin: So we shook hands, and I agreed to bomb hell out of Syrian rebels.
Assad: But then while we’re shaking — and this is like the BEST part — Vlad goes, “By the way, I just farted into my hand, so now you’re touching my farts.” It was hi-larious! The best joke!
Putin: Okay, okay! That part was joke! I make funny fart joke!
Assad: Just as the photographer was about to snap the pic, I wrinkled my nose and stepped back because that fart was really stinky. It smelled like a dead rat had come out of Vlad’s butt.
Putin: Sometimes I gnaw on dead rat for fun.
Assad: Ah, good times, good times.
Putin: What this photo does not show is what happened right after. Assad tried to kiss me.
Assad: I did. Sorry about that. But I love you.