Nineteen year old Dave Turner has called Samantha Stone’s recent column, ‘World Peace Would Be Really Cool’, an “unprecedented masterpiece that will shake the literary world for generations.” The problem? Dave Turner was just trying to get some.
Ms. Stone’s column, based on the premise that “if everyone got to vote we could end world suffrage”, is an abomination of cliches and convention that slips in and out of coherence while exhibiting open hostility toward proper grammar, punctuation, and even basic sentence structure. However, none of this deterred Dave, a journalism major at NYU, from hailing Ms. Stone's gibberish as the "most intellectually satisfying and thought-provoking experience of my life."
Dave claims that testosterone is responsible. "I still can’t believe I wrote that.” he confesses. “Before I saw her avatar, I was comparing her simplistic analysis of global issues with one monkey swallowing another monkey’s feces. But then I saw her pic, and the next thing I know, I was typing anything I thought might get me laid.”
Dave says the thumbnail image, which features Ms. Stone on a beach arching her back in a red two-piece swimsuit, compromised his moral integrity almost immediately. Ms. Stone agreed to an interview, but became despondent once asked how she managed to write an article without the aid of literacy. She later released the following statement: “He wrote those things because my words rang true too [sic] him. My looks had nothing to do with it."
“Her looks had everything to do with it” insists Dave. “The article was garbage, but I couldn’t even think. All the blood rushed out of my brain and went straight to my you-know-what."
Since publishing this article, Dave has deleted his original message. However, revisiting Ms. Stone's avatar has reinvigorated Mr. Turner's hopes of hitting it, and he is currently deciding whether his new message should read ‘Great job, Samantha! A lovely article written by an even lovelier woman’ or ‘You should check out my piece' followed by a photo of his genitalia.