This week’s tweets have made many mistakes.
haha ew, accidentally called my dad “mom” during sex— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) January 25, 2016
tinder but for types of apples— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) January 27, 2016
Steve Jobs used to wear the same outfit everyday. Still does— Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) December 27, 2015
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.— Chris Hallbeck (@ChrisHallbeck) January 28, 2015
I've stopped going to the gym now that I've realized I can just watch CNN on mute at home.— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 24, 2016
If everyone contributes a small amount of their income, we can pool all the resources together to defeat socialism https://t.co/weT2oLkZLp— Bile Cube (@BileCube) January 26, 2016
Doctor says I have to stop wearing this in public bc my dicks raw from being sucked all the time pic.twitter.com/mDpaGgXsux— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 27, 2016
I set my pants on fire one leg at a time just like every other liar, liar.— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) November 30, 2015
Probably not a good sign when my favorite thing to do in the whole world is be unconscious for 8 hours— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) January 22, 2016
cashier: did you find everything you need?— PapeяWash© (@PaperWash) January 25, 2016
me: everything except happiness
cashier: your credit card declined
Cop: sir do you know why I pulled you over— Barknado (@Barknado69) January 21, 2016
Me [covered in blood]: is it that brake light again?
C: yeah get it fixed
Jesus fasted for 40 days? Well bud I got news for you: Sonic the Hedgehog has been "fasting" for 14 years.— dan (@oxygenplug) August 15, 2015
the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a "Bazinga" shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree— LeVar Burzum (@weedhitler) May 27, 2013
Which came first, the chicken, the egg, or the rooster's insistence that he knows what's best for both of their bodies?— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby) January 15, 2016
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) January 28, 2016
"Hey dad"— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) January 29, 2016
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
"Just called to say hi"
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
"If I get taken, yes I know"
Sometimes I wonder how my brain manages to retain millions of song lyrics but then I suddenly forget how to drink from a cup with ice in it.— maura quint (@behindyourback) January 24, 2016
Girlfriend: [pulling me aside at a party] Stop saying our "42-year-old" lives with us.— Jeffrey Palms (@freypalm) January 6, 2016
Me: But in d—
Her: I KNOW HIS AGE IN DOG YEARS.
"Update the force, Luke"— d i v e r s i o n (@Diversion50) July 30, 2015
Adobe Wan Kenobi
if you come across a blank cd at a friend's house, label it "horse music"— Steve (@WigCannon) January 27, 2016
Is it parkour when you throw yourself out of the shower because of a spider— Molly (@Molly_Kats) January 6, 2016
Terrifying if literal: bear with me— Rupert_Franklin (@rupert_franklin) December 16, 2015
Cashier: how old r u?— orange rhymer (@orange_rhymer) January 11, 2016
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
thought i lost my oxymoron but it was right where i left it— FRO VO (@fro_vo) January 27, 2016
genie: "thats definitely your last wish?"— k e e t (@KeetPotato) January 29, 2016
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] "yes"
our dog: "how can i talk all of a sudden?"
But have you tried RTing other people?— DΛVID (@_davidlucas_) January 28, 2016
~Me, as a therapist.