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July 16, 2012

Nerds Shall Inherit The Earth... So we need to make sure that it's the RIGHT nerds!

Dear Everyone Who Got to Go to Comic Con,

I'm so tired of hearing about this "Nerd Generation". Stop Calling yourself nerds. You are not nerds. Real nerds invented modern technology, and developed the hard sciences to levels, that even just the previous generation thought unimaginable. They built cheap efficient nuclear power, they harnessed the natural energy of the earth with hydroelectric, solar and wind power. They went to the moon, they sent probes to mars and cloned sheep. They did not just have every Star Wars Action Figure in the original packaging.

They did not exclusively wear Ironic T-Shirts from Urban Outfitters. They wore pocket protectors. Not because they were cool or fashionable (they are not), but because they were furiously inventing and pioneering the future of humanity, and simply didn't have time to locate a pen in a junk drawer somewhere. They wore glasses with real lenses to help them read schematics and data sheets. Not just hipster frames with plain glass to make them look cool to their other "fake" nerd friends. They listened to classical music because it helped fire their synapses and induced creativity. They didn't listen to Taylor Swift or any other Young, Rich, Beautiful, Talented people who sing about "Not Fitting In" (If only Poor Taylor could ever catch a break).

Real Nerds DIDN'T fit in. They didn't date hearthrobs, and they only won contests which prominently featured Paper Mache Volcanoes. And my God were they were bullied. And that was back before people were making critically acclaimed documentaries about it. And when it happened, Real Nerds didn't have the entirety of Hollywood telling them "It Gets Better..." All they had was their damn mean WWII Vet father, and all he'd say was "stop being a pussy, toughen up, and hit 'em back."

So now to my point...
Despite numerous reports and rhetoric to the contrary, We Americans, don't ACTUALLY have a NERD GENERATION. What we really have is a Bunch of NERD "Posers", not nerds. Just normal,average people who are obsessed with Star Wars and Nerd Culture at Large. Some of them are really Hot, Cool and Popular Kids, only in Nerd Disguise...ahem...Taylor Swift.) 

So Basically, let this be a "Call to Arms" to Get Off Your Ass, and stop pretending to be nerds, and actually contribute something to society, you know, other than Emo Singer/Songwriter Ballads and 1980's Video Game Fan Art. Instead, why don't you guys just get out a damn calculator and solve this economy thing, already. I'd do it myself, but unfortunately I was born a Cool, Athletic, Class Clown Figure, who literally married the Homecoming Queen, so God Knows I'm not the one to do it. The only thing I am skilled and equipped to do is comedically badger and bully Nerds into standing up and accepting their TRUE DESTINY.

We NEED more REAL NERDS, Educated in REAL SCIENCE, And fewer people who just own "Film Quality" Wookie Costumes. Don't get me wrong, I love Nerd culture, so please don't misunderstand, I WANT YOU to wear your Mandalorian Armor Proudly, but when you do eventually take it off...

Maybe Put in a Pocket Protector and Fix Our Country, so then even us "Popular" kids can Live Long And Prosper. Because, The Force is With YOU!