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December 12, 2016
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Negan's making spaghetti and Carl's about to be grounded forever. 16 of the most ridiculous things from last night's 'The Walking Dead' mid-season finale S07E08 "Hearts Still Beating"

Previously on The Most Ridiculous Things From Last Night’s The Walking Dead…

1) An Apple A Day Keeps Gregory The Worst

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Very perceptive of Maggie to notice Gregory seems bothered because he is most definitely bothered. He’s bothered as balls. You can tell how bothered he is by his apple acting, some of the best apple acting on this show since last season when characters also acted with an apple.

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“Think fast for two!”

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“Still hungry, Greg? Eat a dick.”

If given the choice of having Maggie as a leader or Gregory, I would pick Maggie any day of the week because she’s not a bearded wiener and also she dresses like a hypebeast. Maggie Rhee: Streetwear icon of the zombie apocalypse.

2) Eating Spaghetti Sauce In A White Shirt? Negan Is Truly A Mad Man

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We’ve seen some sick and twisted stuff on this show, but eating spaghetti sauce off a wooden spoon while wearing a white shirt is the scariest and most suspenseful thing yet. Hey, by the way, what’s the spaghetti policy in Alexandria?

Always Sunny is such a good show and if this show wants to do Always Sunny spaghetti stuff all the time I am so cool with that.

3) A Seat At The Table

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Of course Lucille gets a seat. Duh. My first instinct here was, “What kind of grown man tucks a napkin bib into the top of his shirt like that?” but I guess Negan doesn’t keep his shirts that white without a little effort. But seriously, what kind of grown man tucks a napkin bib into the top of his shirt like that? Cue the unnecessarily ominous music for passing dinner rolls! Better study that Morse code chart while you’re eating, Carl. Daryl might want to blink chat with you later. (If you don’t get that reference, there’s a fan theory that Daryl blinked Morse code to Rick earlier in the season when he visited Alexandria. It’s dumb, but also probably right. Because it is so very dumb.)

4) Eugene DOES Like Watching

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This is a great callback to that time Eugene watched Abraham and Rosita have sex. Do you guys remember that episode? It was over two years ago. No? That’s OK. Well, do you remember when Eugene watched Abraham and Rosita breakup? Hmm. Don’t remember that either? That’s OK! That’s why I’m here. Just kidding! I don’t know why I’m here.

5) Mrs. Carol’s Neighborhood

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Carol really has a cute thing going with the Carol Cottage. She’s finally reached her true Carol self: Cozy as hell reading by the fire and annoyed when her neighbors stop by. That is SO Carol! I don’t know why Morgan thinks she’s going soft, other than the fact that it looks like she’s hosting a children’s TV show in her living room and has more fresh produce than a farmer’s market.

6) Rick And Aaron’s Jungle Cruise

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This plan is so hilariously flawed. I love it. First of all, there were SO MANY signs warning these guys about the dangers ahead that they ignored. Not metaphorical signs, actual signs with crazy words on them. Then they arrive at a lake filled with zombies and decide to take a boat riddled with holes (I never went to boat college, but I’m pretty sure holes in boats are not good) out into the middle of the zombie lake. AND THEY USE PADDLES MADE FROM CRAZY WORDS! Fuck. This was the best.

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Camp Crystal Lake vibes.

How the hell did Aaron escape this without getting bit? Because all logic points to, wait, sorry! Forgot what show I was watching, logic doesn’t apply here.

7) Daryl’s Peanut Butter & Dirty Shirt Makeover

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When I’m having a tough day of being beaten and psychologically tortured, I like to treat myself to some slightly less dirty clothes and a whole jar of peanut butter. Really turns it all around. Then I flip over a table like I just lost Monopoly. It’s my three-step plan to instantly being my best self. Also, if you’re wondering why Daryl looks at that figurine I was also wondering and apparently Dwight said something about carving figurines so seeing that figurine is how Daryl knew he was in Dwight’s room. Great. Glad we got to the bottom of that because I know you were all losing sleep over the dumb figurine.

8) It’s The Nanny From Muppet Babies!

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Lots of fan theories floating around out there about who these mysterious feet belong to, but my money is on the Nanny from Muppet Babies. As I extensively discussed four and a half years ago, the choice to never show the Nanny from Muppet Babies was really odd. That whole show was weird as hell. But I’m glad to see she landed on her feet (SORRY.) and into season 7 of The Waka Waka Dead! (Not sorry about that one.)

9) Michonne’s Riding Handgun

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Michonne, I understand your “TRUST NO BITCH” policy. Who among us hasn’t been burned by a bitch or two in our past? Still, pointing a gun at someone while they drive is a dangerous game that can easily result in their head exploding if the car hits a bump in the road. But I guess a “TRUST SOME BITCHES A LITTLE” policy leaves too much room for error. You might as well have no bitch trusting policy at all.

10) Can’t Believe I’m Saying This, But Enid Is Right

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I don’t think I’ve ever said this about Enid, but she’s making a lot of sense right now. Maybe instead of 82 people individually trying to kill Negan with stupid plans you should team up and create one decent plan to kill Negan. It’s just crazy enough to be the only thing that could ever possibly work.

11) Daryl’s 90’s Grunge Phase

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Gotta love that Dwight spent so much time trying to be like Daryl and now Daryl is running around in Dwight cosplay. Daryl dressed as Dwight will be the hot Comic-Con 2017 costume, calling it now. Daryl is really taking this 90’s thing to the max with a lead pipe and knife looking like a goddamn Streets Of Rage 2 character.

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“Fat lives matter?”

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“WHO’S ON EASY STREET NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?!?”

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“Jesus.”

RIP Fat Joey. You had substantially less character development on this show than a goat and a dumpster.

12) Fact Check: Spencer Has Guts

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This was great, mostly because Spencer got to finally die after a long history of being terrible. From his cracker theft to his stupid grappling hook spaz out right up to his final act as a sociopath in a polo shirt, he was the mayor of Garbage Town. But this was also great because Negan proves himself to once again be pretty reasonable by quickly getting to the root of Spencer’s shitty character and weeding him out of the pack. Apparently this scene was directly from the comics. Neat. I’ve pointed out many MANY times that I don’t read the comics because I am not a nerd. Last week, someone wrote in the comments (I read all the comments) that being called a nerd hurt their feelings. I have news for you, dude. We’re all nerdy as hell for in any way associating with this show or comics, myself definitely included. So relax and wipe your nerdy tears on your Star Wars bed sheets or Dr. Who Doctor Who (edit: holy shit with you nerds, a bunch of you told me in the comments it’s “Doctor Who” not “Dr. Who” and that is exactly the kind of shit I’m talking about, wish I could say I did this on purpose to piss you off but I’m not that clever but like GOD DAMMIT) beach towel or not-girlfriend’s shoulder. Life is going to be harder than someone on the internet calling you a nerd because you read zombie comic books.

13) Carl Is Grounded Forever Because He Had Spaghetti Tuesday On A Sunday Without Rick

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“I fed him spaghetti!” will go down in Walking Dead history as one of the top two lines about spaghetti in the series. It’s nice to know the characters in a zombie apocalypse where food is scarce are consistently eating better meals than me. Carl, if you thought your dad made you stay in the house before, you better get your spaghetti-slurping ass ready because your shit is grounded forever. Rick didn’t seem to flinch at the fact that Carl killed a bunch of men with a machine gun, but having Spaghetti Tuesday without him on a Sunday is unforgivable.

14) Leaving A Kitchen Messy Is The Ultimate Insult

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Murder and theft is one thing, but leaving a kitchen messy after preparing a big Italian meal is the ultimate insult. I live with four roommates (I’m almost 30, everything is going great for me) and nothing steams my biscuits like coming home to a messy kitchen. To be fair, I’d probably be a lot more amenable to cleaning up the mess if the perpetrating roommate had a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire in their hand. Anyway, I’m moving out into my own place in January with zero roommates so expect some updates on what it’s like to have a kitchen that’s always clean in Season 7B. Sound off in the comments if you’ll be back in Season 7B for updates on my clean kitchen. I know some of you are still waiting for a Katie Danza lunch update. We made plans to make plans but it has yet to come together. Maybe that will be resolved in 7B, too! Sound off in the comments if you don’t want updates on either of these things and think these recaps are Garbage Town.

15) They Should’ve Killed Spencer Six Or Seven More Times

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As satisfying as it was to see Spencer die twice in this episode, I could’ve gone for six or seven more Spencer deaths. If I had one constructive note on this episode, it would’ve been to kill Spencer six or seven more times. Part of me thinks Rick didn’t even realize Spencer was a zombie when he stabbed him.

Sometimes this show feels like I’m watching nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all …

16) Reunited And It Feels So Good

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Hell to the yes. This is how you end a half-season, folks! We get a satisfying conclusion to a bunch of things setup in the first episode. Rick got his gun back? CHECK. Maggie has a team that’s ready to fight? CHECK. Sasha and Rosita are cool again? CHECK. Carl smiled at Enid and she smiled back, all but guaranteeing the woods fingering arc is finally coming to a close? CHECK. Daryl escaped Easy Street and got his bike back? CHECK. And at the risk of too many Always Sunny references in a recap that’s not about Always Sunny at all, Rick seeing Daryl reminded me of Charlie seeing Mac in the restaurant.

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Awesome. I didn’t cry, because I’m not sure I process emotion anymore after being burned one too many times, but this was an emotional ending and all around great final episode to the half-season even though I maintain my position that splitting a season in half is monkey wang but whatever. Also, thank you for giving us an episode that seamlessly jumped between multiple plots even though they should’ve been doing that the whole zombie time. JOIN US WHEN SEASON 7 RESUMES IN FEBRUARY! Will we find out the mysterious Nanny from Muppet Babies is actually from the Oceanside colony? I think that’s where those feet come from! What will Eugene talk about in the car ride back to the Sanctuary? Hopefully they record it and create a spinoff podcast: Hostage Chats with Eugene And The Van Boyz. What will Negan do when he returns and sees Daryl escaped and killed one of his men? I think he’ll be fine with it, he’s the type of dude to just let stuff go. NONE OF THIS AND MORE on The Walking Dead S07E09! (BYEEEEEEE, GUYS! Thanks for reading for another half-season. I will miss you during these two months of freedom!)

BONUS: The Scene After The Credits

Here’s the post-credits scene in case you missed it. What does it mean? Will Carl drop the bass in February?!? THE FANS ARE ON THE EDGE OF THEIR GODDAMN SEATS REGARDING THE BASS. In case any of you are stupid (signs point to the fact that some of you are) this isn’t actually from the show, I just thought it was fun to see Chandler Riggs having a good time at a concert and being a kid. It’s a fun video! We have fun around here. See you guys in February!

EDITOR’S NOTE: Shit, I Forgot To Include Rosita Shooting Lucille

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Sorry, gang! A few of you immediately pointed out I forgot to include Rosita shooting Lucille and you are right to point that out. My whoops. We all make whoopsy daisies from time to time, please excuse this one. I was so busy talking about messy kitchens and other TV shows that I left out a pretty big thing that was, in fact, ridiculous in this episode. Who could’ve predicted that Rosita’s plan to shoot Negan with one bullet was doomed to fail? All of us. We all could’ve predicted it and we did predict it. Basically everyone but Rosita’s simple ass knew this was not a thing that would ever work. And it got the lady who looks like Doctor Lady, but isn’t Doctor Lady because Doctor Lady already died, killed! What a … what’s the opposite of a tragedy? Whatever the word is for “opposite of a tragedy” that’s what this death was. OK, ARE YOU GUYS HAPPY? I MENTIONED THE THING! Please stop yelling at me in the comments. I read all the comments, by the way.

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