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July 04, 2008
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RIP Jessie Helms (Sort Of)

Jim McPartland

www.funnyordie.com/jbmcpart

 

helmshead.jpg Maybe if I hit my head hard enough, something will happen.

 

I promised myself when I got up this morning I would work on doing 3 query letters to potential literary agents, sending them on Monday. But here I am writing another story instead. Just because someone who will remain nameless suggested I do. The same someone that I challenged to write her own blog and so far has failed me miserably. But like Al Pacino in Godfather 3, I’m being ‘pulled back in’ to write instead of finding people that will pay me to do this. If I continue to just write, I will be on W42nd ST on the sidewalk with a cup, a dog, and handing out my stories for a buck. I hope if The Retributioners walk by, they can each cough up $2 so I can at least get a quick crack fix. Help a brother out!

So conservative icon Jessie Helms bit the dust yesterday. I have taught my kids to never say they ‘hate’ anyone. We don’t ‘hate’ Bush, we would just prefer they strap him to a gurney in the execution chamber in Huntsville and just leave him alone for a couple years while he ponders the mentally challanged inmate they just got rid of in the prior 15 minutes. We can’t hate Cheney, because Amy4Birds would dive out a window. We just wish he would strap on gear that doesn’t work and go fire an M 16 in the streets of Baghdad with his Halliburton contractor cronies.

So we can’t hate Jessie either. But we didn’t use a bunch of Kleenex.

Let’s start with Jessie’s strong points. He was passionate and really believed in his platform. He softened with age, becoming a bud of Bono and stopped blaming homosexuals for their own demise through AIDS. (Too little, too late). He adopted a 9 year old boy in 1962 that had cerebral palsy because the boy ‘wanted parents’.

Now, the dark side.

Hypocritical racist. Attended Klan rallies as often as his Bible mashing Baptist Church. Abortion = Holocaust. Said “I will never be silent about death for those that cannot speak’, yet advocated death penalties for those with 43 IQ’s and barely could. His wife Dorothy is a slum lord, renting units in NC with no appliances. In 1994, he accepted $700,000 in illegal contributions. He opposed Martin Luther King Day (whistled Dixie) and supported apartheid in South Africa.

And just like Thomas Jefferson (who also died on 7/4) it is rumored Helms had an illegitimate love child. A black one.

As I wrote in Racism Alive in America, I’m not going to blame Helms for his early career- he was raised in a state where ‘niggers’ (pardon my French) should do nothing more than plant crops and give blow jobs on demand. I hold his parents accountable for that. He did soften later, but by that time the damage was done. If he asked God to forgive him as he took his last breath, he’ll just hang in limbo for—ever.

His fighting against the 1964 Civil Rights act cannot be easily forgiven. I personally hope he spins in his grave when Obama gets elected. He probably asked God to take him now so he didn’t have to see the Presidential ‘whites only’ bathroom be changed.

I think the funniest vision I have in my head is Helms on his death bed. Going in and out of consciousness. While he’s awake, he sees the black Doctor, nurse and orderly standing over him. Instead of sticking shit up his ass just to make him scream, they’re compassionate. Trying to save him. Making him more comfortable. Forgiving him for torturing their ancestors.

And while he slept, he dreamt about that. And he heard King’s ‘I Have a Dream’ speech.

And as he took his last breath he said ‘I was wrong. Sorry’.

Then I might forgive him.

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