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June 26, 2017

These question have been on our mind since we closed the door on Harry and his friends...

Look, congrats to JK and all for the 20th anniversary but there are some SERIOUS plot holes in the Harry Potter saga and it’s about time someone voiced them…

1) Why did they never show them brushing their teeth?

It would have been really nice to see how Harry, Ron, Seamus, and Dean chatted with each other while cleaning their chompers. Those two minute muffled convos are where boys become men, and men become the best of friends.

2) Why is Mr. Weasley more interested in rubberducks than he is The Beatles?

The Beatles are dope and rubber duckies are stupid, so why does Arthur immediately ask Harry—the boy who lived—about the function of a rubber duck instead of the dankest band of all time?

3) How does Mr. Olivander know where all the wands are? There’s so many of them!

Either this 150 year old geezer has eyes like a hawk or he’s got an earpiece where a younger, brighter boy gives him directions. Come to think of it, maybe he’s what the movie Ratatouille is based on…It just doesn’t add up.

4) Why didn’t they have a sex ed class?

If you’re born with magical powers does that automatically mean you are born with a knowledge of how sex and healthy relationships work? It seems suspicious that Harry and Ginny could just so perfectly fall in love if Harry doesn’t even know how to put a condom on.It would have been really special to see Professor McGonagall put a condom on awand.

5) Why didn’t they throw a rager in the Chamber of Secrets after Harry killed the Basilisk?

Given that the drinking age in England is like 7 and Harry literally just helped defeat Voldemort, you would think that Dumbledore or at least Hagrid would wanna throw the boy who lived a HUGE party if not just to be able to see the chamber themselves! If anything it’s a bad move by the alumni relations office. I’m sure Harry is a generous donor to the school but if they had thrown him a party…they could’ve built a new Quidditch pitch by now!

6) Why wasn’t there an improv group on campus?

Improv is really fun and a great way to blow off some steam and meet really cool people. So you would think at a stress-inducing place like Hogwarts, students would be all the more motivated to start a comedy group. But come to think of it, the administration at Hogwarts doesn’t seem to be huge on extracurriculars. It’s basically Quidditch or bust. Still would’ve been great to see Ron be the head of the group and open a show by going “Hey everyone! We are the Great Hall Monitors, Hogwarts’ best,worst, and only improv comedy group! Everything you see here tonight will becompletely improvised, which means it’s made up on the spot and will never be performed again. Thanks so much for coming, and to start we just need someone to shoutout the name of a spell and then we don’t need any more audience participationthe rest of the show!”

7) Have the students ever heard of the Fleet Foxes?

Just curious. That’s all.

Happy 20th HP squad!