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Published: December 30, 2012
Description: The way you eat potato chips


It's pretty amazing what some people are willing to say to others, as long as they precede everything with "no offense." They'll say something like, "No offense, but I really hate the way you eat potato chips. I can't stand the way you put them in your mouth, and the noise you make when you chew them, and the expression that's on your face. Whenever you do all of that, I just get the urge to hit you in the head with a shovel, and dump your unconscious body in a river. I bought the shovel yesterday, and I already printed out directions to the river. But again, no offense. I don't want to offend you. All I'm saying is that you frequently do things that make me want to murder you. How is that offensive? It's not. After all, I said 'no offense.' Remember?"

They start off by saying that they have no intention of offending someone. And then they go ahead and insult that person in a very offensive way. It's like they're signaling left, and then turning right. "[Signals left] No offense, but [turns right] eat shit and die."

By saying "no offense" before making a blatantly offensive remark, they're basically trying to double the offense. To me, that's like a slap in the face. It's worse than a slap in the face. That's why when someone gives me an actual slap in the face, I think, "Well, at least she didn't say 'no offense.'" And when someone tries the "no offense" thing on me, I cut him off and launch a preemptive strike. He starts off with, "No offense..." and before he can finish, I say, "Dude--you eat potato chips like an asshole. No offense."

As an alternative to "no offense," people sometimes say "with all due respect," and then follow that up with something disrespectful. "With all due respect, I completely disagree with all of your views and your way of life. Because they're completely ridiculous." When someone says that to me, I respond, "With all due respect, you're a piece of shit."

"With all due respect" is even worse than "no offense." With all due respect? That's basically telling someone, "This is all the respect that you're due. All of it. The maximum level. If anyone gives you more, you don't deserve it."

What if someone's giving me all due respect, and he's calling me a piece of shit? Imagine what would happen if he only gave me partial due respect. "With all due respect, you're a piece of shit. With half due respect, you're the biggest lowlife in human history, and I want you to drop dead. You just better hope I never give you a quarter due respect. Otherwise, I'll make you drop dead. I got my shovel ready."

Does anyone actually fall for the whole "with all due respect" angle? Does anyone think, "Well--he said some bad things about me. But at least it was with all due respect."

Just once, I'd like to hear someone say something that matches his "with all due respect" claim. Like, "With all due respect, I love you. You're perfect. No offense."

Is that ever going to happen? Probably not. Instead, it's "With all due respect, you should be locked in a cage, and taken out once a day to be whipped."

Tags: ohebsion