It’s been a tough week for Jeb Bush. He once again had a lackluster performance in last weekend’s debate; after failing to register JebBush.com the Trump campaign bought the URL and it now redirects to his site; and in a desperate attempt to help his fledgling campaign, Bush posted a misguided tweet of an engraved handgun with the comment “America.”
Where did things go so wrong for the once assumed GOP frontrunner? A clue was offered when a leaked letter from Jeb Bush in the past to his future self was found on the site FutureMe.org.
Dear Jeb Bush,
Hi Jeb, it’s me, Jeb. But you know that already ha ha ha!
OK, but seriously. It looks like you’re going to run for president next year. Yowza! President of the United States of America! You sure have some big hand-me-down shoes to fill.
I know you’re feeling all whacky-tummy, but you gotta calm down. Of course it’s not fair that they never made Neil Bush run for president, but you’re gonna do just fine.
Success starts with positive thinking. Here are just a few things you MUST remember during this whirlwind journey you’re about to embark upon:
- YOU CAN DO THIS! I mean, you can’t win the presidency, but you can definitely run for president, no problem.
- Be sure to be energetic during the debates! You don’t want your competitors to call you “BORING” like Dad does when you do the prayers.
- Try to make sure everyone forgets you’re from Florida. It’s the worst state and they’re mean to you there.
- Guns aren’t safe. Do you think everyone else realizes that?
- If you have to get a gun, don’t get it engraved with your name.
- If you have to get a gun engraved with your name, don’t tweet a picture of it.
- For Gosh’s sake, don’t caption that pic “America.”
- Get cooler glasses!
- Use your outdoor voice, even when you’re indoors. Speeches have to be loud.
- And if you’re ever giving a speech and the audience doesn’t clap when you think they will, definitely don’t ask them to clap because that would be sad.
- Stop letting George make you call him “Dubbya.” You’re taller than him.
- He only truly won his first election!
- Don’t say that in front of Dad again.
- Everybody thinks you’re funnier than George. Everybody.
- You is smart, you is kind, and you is important.
- But lower your expectation.
- You’re a sweet, sweet boy. Don’t let them change you.
- DO NOT FORGET to setup auto renew for JebBush.com. You don’t want someone else to swoop in and buy it. Omg lol that would be the worst, but also so hilarious!
I love you, and at the end of the day that’s all that matters,
P.S. Start going by the nickname you always wanted. Jeb isn’t a word. I love you though. OK, I guess that’s it.