Hello, I’m Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore and I am currently proposing a bill in my state that would allow college students to openly carry loaded firearms on campus in order to prevent rapes. In a recent interview with the New York Times I stated that “If these young, hot little girls on campus have a firearm, I wonder how many men will want to assault them. The sexual assaults that are occurring would go down once these sexual predators get a bullet in their head.” Yes, I actually said this and, yes, I truly believe it.

I dream of a day when every naughty little college vixen can carry around a big, sexy gun and use it to blast away all the would-be rapists constantly charging them from all directions. I dream of this every night in my bed; I fantasize about it every evening in my warm bath; and, with your help, I want to make it a reality.

I have heard the complaints that this is a stupid idea, that the last thing we need to give immature, drunk, accident-prone college students is loaded guns. But those who say that don’t understand the reality of college today. Gone are the days of the humble student trekking from class to class across rolling green quads. No, the modern college looks more like a big-budget Hollywood action movie where gorgeous, five-foot-nothing models strut around aimlessly while horrifying masked men run at them from all directions desperate to ravage their big-breasted, shimmering and diminutive bodies.

Believe me, I know what college is like because I am constantly imagining myself there and the way it goes down in my mind, the women are very short, very hot, and they take shelter beneath my legs firing round after round at big, running men. When the men are all dead, the girls look up at me and thank me with pure love in their eyes and I pet them and they like it. If we don’t give these luscious, smaller-than-they-used-to-be girls guns, we are accomplices to their sexual assault.

Yes, I have heard the so-called “statistics” that the vast majority of sexual assaults are perpetrated by people the victim knows in situations the victims initially consent to but that become non-consensual. Well, I’m here to tell you that, based on the pictures I am constantly drawing in the margins of my notebooks, that is stone cold idiocy. According to my drawings, 90% of campus rapes occur when giant men repel off buildings onto helpless, child-sized damsels just walking past. These mini-moiselles NEED dual hand guns that they can fire while in mid-air jumping away from these rape-hungry hulks, and they need them NOW.

Still, some critics say “if we let everyone on campus have a gun, won’t that mean rapists can use guns to help them rape people anyway?” I see your point. That’s why we have to loosen our regulations and let these buxom, sensual, dwarf-like college girls carry around automatic weapons to defend themselves from the rapists that now all carry hand guns and rifles. And if the rapists start carrying automatic weapons too, then fine, we can escalate from there. I envision a new world of higher education where every supple, libidinous pygmy female hauls a nuclear bomb around on their backs all day long to prevent anyone from being raped. Especially when those naughty college studentinis are drinking and going wild. And if one of the bombs detonates and kills everyone in a five-mile radius of the rapist, I would consider that a huge win for women everywhere.

I trust I have swayed you with my argument. To me it is cogent and very clearly not just the words of an NRA shill cynically trying to exploit the hot-button issue of college rape to forward my pro-gun agenda.

If you wish to learn more, please consult my new graphic novel, Typical College Rape Scenarios, in book stores now. It’s the one with the cover that features heavily armed female dwarves with massive breasts firing huge guns at giant, troll-like rapists leaping at them. Because that’s what college rape looks like and the sooner we all understand that the sooner we can prevent it.

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