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February 22, 2016

Long schlong or tiny teeter, you're still one of the world's worst dudes.

Anthropological rumor has it that world’s most evil dude, Adolph Hitler, had one testicle and a micro-penis. More scientifically, he suffered from hypospadias, a condition that gave him an abnormally small wiener. And that sort of sucks, sure. But we’re not about to like, start feeling bad for the dude. No way.

Also, doesn’t that seem almost too on the nose. Just because your dong is all weird, isn’t an excuse to lead one of history’s largest and most atrocious genocides. Like maybe you’re insecure around women or become a skyscraper architect but jeezy louisey, no need to seize half a continent and try to wipe out a people! There’s overcompensating and then there is being a villain. Sounds like Hitler had a tiny dick AND was one of the world’s most evil people ever. Not going to cut him any slack on that.

More importantly, who was holding onto this information for so long without letting everyone know? Usually I’m all against harping on someone’s physical deformities but in this scenario, any opportunity to cut away at the Fuhrer must be seized and wielded excessively. Hell, start making up lies about the man. Say whatever you want about him. No one gives a fuck. This dude and his tiny dick sucked.

  • Hitler was ticklish everywhere on his body and it made him seem like a big baby.
  • Hitler uncontrollably pissed himself daily.
  • The man was terrible at sports and cried every time he lost a game.
  • Hitler was an artist and all his art sucked.
  • A very sweaty man. Smelled disgusting.
  • Hitler’s flatulence was unbelievably horrid. It’s like the farts were violently trying to escape his body.
  • Bad ugly teeth. No one wanted to kiss him.