(1) Who would you rather pork?
Muslim chick in burqa
I'm going to do my best to try and end thousands of years of turmoil in one blog posting. Their both just so hot. Look at that hand on that Muslim broad. Boiiiiiing!!! Check out the ankle area on the Jewish babe. Dear lord. I live 2 blocks away from Hasidic mega babe land in south Williamsburg. It's the Lake Havasu of Orthodox Judaism. I've always had this weird fantasy of corrupting a Hasidic broad. The same can be said for the Amish or Quakers.
I'll be honest, I'm a little intrigued and a little scared by the burqa. I just wanna crawl up in there and say peek-a-boo. "What's goin' on in there? You pickin' your nose?" If you're really ugly, converting to Islam may be a good move. How about a burqa with an opening for cleavage? Ya? For the sake of world peace I will pork either religious super babe. They'll be no shortage of bush either way.
(2) What car would you rather drive if you were a Hasidic man?
2001 Dodge Caravan
2002 Dodge Caravan
Have you ever seen these guys drive? They make Dale Jr. look like Chippendale Jr. Turning corners like their on rails, going 70 mph in the heart of Brooklyn. The bus drivers are completely out of their minds. Who gets that gig? The craziest Jew in town, that's who. These guys have a death wish. You ever seen "2012" where John Cusack is driving through earthquakes and volcanoes and shit. Cusack's stunt double was a Hasidic dude. I would not bet against a Hasidic Nascar car sponsored by the company that makes those sweet furry cheesehead hats. I want one of those.
(3) When will the world end?
December 21, 2012
May 21, 2011
So we all know the world is ending next year. Or wait. What's this? This year? May 21? That's like next week bro. According to Harold Camping, a preacher from Oakland, the world will end a week from Saturday. Obviously, nobody listens to crazy people like...what?...tens of thousands of listeners across the country...66 radio stations...broadcasts in 48 languages...$120 Million in assets. How did Mr. Camping come up with this doomsday prediction. He multiplied 3 holy numbers (5,10,17) together twice to get 722,500. Everyone knows what the significance of that number is. No? It's the amount of days since Jesus died. Duh. That's crazy, because I multiplied the amount of times I've beaten off (722,500) by the amount of lives I've lived (1) and got the same number. Maybe I'm Jesus.
If you're one of Mr. Camping's bookish listeners you're on the right track. He believes the gay pride movement is a sign of the end. Obviously. Evolution is a lie. No shit. And 2% of the world will live forever and 98% will burn in hell for eternity. I'd like to think I'm in the top 2 percentile of eternal living foreverness. May 21 will be historical, not only because the world will end, but also because it will be the second time Harry Camping has predicted the end. The last time, September 6 1994, the world did not end as far as I know, but the 11th MTV Awards did happen. So if you're still tuning in to Mr. Camping, don't let anybody tell you that you're an idiot or that you don't know how to read or that you can't fuck your sister. Get your "The End is Near" sign and stand out by that freeway. You let everyone know that you know that the world is going to end. Go now. Before it's too late.
(4) What do you think God looks like?
Hunky Construction Worker
Hunky fireman, hands down. There is nothing hotter than a fireman with glistening 6-pack abs. It's crucial that the fireman never has a shirt on though. Especially when he's charging into a blazing inferno. I want to see oiled up pecs, abs, and guns when he walks out with a baby cradled in his arms. Get rid of that baggy coat. Gross. It's also crucial that he's always carrying an ax. If God looks like that, and I think he does, we'll be just fine.