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June 08, 2011

Advice Column

Question 1 from Mike in Watertown, MA:

Dear Dr. J,

  Is renter's insurance a good investment?

  Does the pope fuck in the woods?  If you read last weeks column, you would know that there is only one reason to get any kind of insurance.  Do you plan on your spouse having an "accident" any time soon?  No, then save that money and buy some 26" rims and a spoiler.  And why waste time renting when you can take out a loan on a house you can't afford.  The rest of the country did it.

  What are you afraid of?  A flood?  A fire? An earthquake? Those things don't really happen.  Especially not in Watertown.  Roll the dice Mike and start taking chances.  Take the money you save on renter's insurance and double it at the track.  Easiest money you ever made.  Do you think Vin Diesel has renter's insurance?  What about Paul Walker? No? Of course not.  They have souped-up Honda Accords.  You know what guys with souped-up Honda Accords get?  That's right.  They get pussy Mike.  Tons and tons of pussy.  Now go get 'em kid.

Question 2 from Matt at Holiday Inn Express in Long Island, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

  My ex-girlfriends all have husbands and kids and houses and cars and money yet I'm still single and pushing mid-30s. Is something wrong with me or with them?

  Boo-fucking-hoo Matt.  Cry me a river.  So your exes all have money, kids, and husbands.  You know what else they have?  Fat asses, wide vagina's, and one cock for the rest of their life.  You're riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.  Let me guess what your doing tonight.  You're eating room service in bed at Holiday Inn, looking forward to lubing up and watching gang-bang porn.  Please tell me what's better than that?  Nothing.  Well, maybe a bucket of Popeye's Chicken and a hooker.  But that's it.  

  You know what all those "lucky" husbands are doing tonight?  Their sneaking off to the bathroom to rub one out to the swimsuit section of the L.L. Bean catalog.  The L.L. Bean swimsuits are all one-piece.  It's nearly impossible to get a boner from that, unless you're a 13 year old boy or a married man.  You can beat off on the walls, on the ceiling, in a tranny's asshole.  That is a luxury my friend.  Take advantage of this lifestyle and get crazy.  Have weird "Blue Velvet" parties in your tiny hotel room.  Take up a fun new drug and jump on craigslist and get deviant.  The world is one click away.  

Question 3 from Lara in New York, NY:

Dear Dr. J,

  When I went to see the movie "The Incredibles (2004)" I left the theater thinking I was made of elastic like Elastigirl and I've been disappointed ever since. What do I do?

  So you're saying you've been disappointed for 7 years.  Totally understandable.  No problem, we're gonna fix this right now.  Becoming elastic is very simple.  Acid.  Get a bunch of tabs of acid and go to your rooftop.  Why the rooftop? Why not the rooftop Lara?  I bet you could stretch all the way to the next building if you tried really hard.  Make sure you don't fall though.  If you fall you will definitely die, so don't fall, but don't give up either.  

Question 4 from Ian in Saratoga, NY:


Yo Dr. J,

What happened to the Lakers?

  You heard about Delonte West banging moms? Well, Ron Artest banged Kobe's grandmother.  She's been dead for 5 years.