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Published March 23, 2012

 

 

I’ve been mistaken for being pregnant twice in my life. The first time this happened, I had just bummed a homeless woman a cigarette. She paused before lighting it, gave me a once over, and said, “You know, you really shouldn’t smoke while you’re pregnant.” I mean, did you ever? How insulting is that? Unfortunately, she was already smoking the cigarette and I was frozen with horror or I would’ve snatched it back from her and said something to the effect of, “Actually, I’m pregnant with the Devil’s baby, and I just decided that his first earthly chore after being born will be to find and harm you.”

The next time it happened was a few years later, as I was standing on a street corner smoking another cigarette and waiting for the light to change. I had just bought the dress I was wearing; it was blue satin and spaghetti strapped with an empire waist, and I thought I looked fly as hell. Then a WASP tapped me on the shoulder and leaned in conspiratorially. “You know,” she said, staring at my gut, “you really don’t see a lot of pregnant women smoking these days – but I’ll be honest with you, I smoked through my entire pregnancy, too!” I guess she was expecting me to high five her for making the awesome and responsible decision to damage my unborn baby with toxins, just like she did, but instead I said, “I’m…not pregnant. This is a new dress. I guess I’ll be taking THIS back later.” She didn’t even apologize! She just awkwardly stood next to me until the light changed, and then we parted ways while I fumed.

The moral of the story is this: unless a woman is in the actual process of bearing down and expelling a baby that you can SEE CROWNING, you don’t know if she’s pregnant or not. Some of us ladies just like to eat mad cake, so it’s safer to assume that everyone you see who looks pregnant is just fat and sedentary.

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