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December 05, 2014
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10 Realizations your family helped you come to over Thanksgiving Dinner

10 Realizations Your Family Helped You Come To Over Thanksgiving Dinner

Written By: Kaitlyn Blansett

Thanksgiving was a day of giving thanks, catching up with family, and ofcourse an abundance of good food and criticism. I’ll take my turkey with a sideof Spanish Inquisition!

  • 1. You’re STILL single.

Even your weird cousin that is 27 and still collects Pokémon cards has scrounged up some poor woman to take with him to the family get-together. You, on the other hand? You decided to play it cooland independent and make a statement to your family that you don’t need no man. Well, your family would like to make their own statement.

  • 2. There are reasons WHY you’re single.

Is it not enough that I came here alone? Do we have to analyze my failures as a romantic partner? Could we not discuss my sex life at the dinner table? Huh, Grandpa? Is that too much to ask?

  • 3. You probably already met the love of your life and let him/her pass by.

“You’re always so focused on studying at that trash university of yours. Maybe if you got your nose out of a gender studies book and back in the cook books, you could have kept a man by now.”

  • 4. You should give up.

Aunt Cecilia and Uncle Mark met when they were 12. Your cousin Matt met his wife when they were 16. Your mother and father met when they were in daycare together. How old are you again?

  • 5. Studying Liberal Arts is a waste of your time.

Although you may not know let whatyour career path will be, your family certainly knows: homelessness, unemployment, and disappointment. It will haunt you for the rest of your life, taunting your Slavic Studies degree until you finally give in and go to financial school to be an account and obviously hate your life. But hey, it’s much easier to hate your life in a warm, comfy home then out on the streets. And much more satisfying to disappoint yourself than your parents.

  • 6. You’ve put on weight.

The way my grandmother looks at me when I get up for a fourth slice of pumpkin pie could kill Kayne’s self-esteem.“You want some new jeans for Christmas, sweetheart? Looks like those old ones aren’t fitting so well anymore. Weird because I just bought them for you last year. I thought you were done growing.” I’ll be done growing when I’m good and ready, Meemaw! JESUS.

  • 7. You’re a liberal.

Just don’t shout it from the mountaintops. Between Ferguson, Obama’s immigration policy, and Ellen DeGeneres’s sexuality, Thanksgiving was a great opportunity to sit quietly and inwardly reflect as your incredibly conservative family deemed this world “morally reprehensible” and a little icky.

  • 8. You’re not as religious as your emails claim you are.

“Don’t forget the story of Silas. You remember the story of Silas, don’t you? Do they not teach it in the church you promised me you were going to? Maybe you should read the story of the Prodigal Son. Or the story of Jesus’ crucifixion. Or the book of Revelations. In the blink of an eye, dear child.”

  • 9. You’re not financially stable.

“What do you mean you need money for the plane ticket home? It’s only $400. I didn’t raise you to handle your money so poorly.What’d you spend it on? DRUGS AND SEX?”

  • 10. You SHOULD be financially stable at this point in your life.

“Mommy and Daddy would like to request for Christmas that their princess doesn’t get them anymore movies from the $5 bin at Walmart. Remember the sacrifices we took when we raised you.”

  • 11. You’re not that great of a cook.

“Your sister made a wonderful ratatouille when her and Jeff and the kids had us over for dinner last month. And how many Easy Mac cups did you consume last week?”

  • 12. You have no direction.

Okay, the compass for your birthday last year was funny, but the interrogation as to where you’re going in life, what you’ll be doing and with whom has become one of the most unbearable parts of seeing your family. Yes, we get it, you “care”. You’re “concerned”. ME TOO. Let’s just remain calm and keep me on my dad’s insurance for as long as possible.

  • 13. Your mom reads your Facebook. All of it.

“That dress you wore on September 27th,2014 was not very flattering. Sleevless dresses don’t really suit your body type.”
“Thanks, mom”

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