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May 14, 2011

"I get that running a global terrorist organization is messy, but that does not give you the right to leave your dirty Lean Cuisine trays on the table in the lunch room every day,” he added. “It’s really gross.”

Abbottabad, Pakistan—With the death of Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda has formed an executive search committee to fill the terrorist group’s top management spot promptly, but officials within the organization say they will take the time necessary to make sure they find just the right mastermind of evil who can also get along with jihadists at all levels of the organization.

One leading candidate is Atiya Abd al-Rahman, a Libyan who has served as a senior operational planner for the organization. His commitment to murdering infidels is unparalleled, but his integrity has been questioned.

Al-Zawahiri, candidate for Al Qaeda leader

Al-Zawahiri, victim of age discrimination

“No one hates America more than Atiya, but how can you trust a man who totally stole all the Splenda from the coffee station last week. He’s just sketchy.” said a low-level operative within the organization, who asked that his name not be used.

It is widely reported that the frontrunner is Bin Laden’s deputy, Ayman al-Zawahiri, but most of the Al Qaeda leadership do not want al-Zawahiri to be offered the job because the Egyptian physician is seen as too old.

Whether such blatant age discrimination is legal is a subject of debate. According to Yale civil rights law professor Margaret Garvey, international terrorist organizations are not subject to U.S. anti-discrimination laws. “But age discrimination is just wrong, no matter where you operate,” she added.

Also, while al-Zawahiri’s commitment to killing Americans and their allies around the world is unquestioned, al-Zawahiri is reportedly ineffective due to his tendency to micromanage.

According to one Al Qaeda staffer, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of being beheaded, “Sure, al-Zawahiri can put together a good terrorist plot, but why does he insist on co-signing every purchase order? This guy wants to know how many pens we order every week. You hire good people. Now, just let them do their work. Geez.”

“And another thing. I get that running a global terrorist organization is messy, but that does not give you the right to leave your used Lean Cuisine trays on the table in the lunch room every day,” he added. “It’s really gross.”

Another candidate, Nasser al-Wuhayshi, has overseen attacks against both Yemen and the United States. But some in the organization question his ability to lead, due to his chronic halitosis.

A high level deputy remarked, “Al-Wuhayshi will never recoil to the cowardly threats of the evil American Satan, but that dude’s breath stanks! I can’t fathom spending hours around the conference table plotting attacks against American civilians, if I have to sit next to Mr. Dragon Breath. Praise be to God.”

Other staff noted that Al-Wuhayshi gets along well with other leaders, but the rank-and-file find him out of touch.

“The deputies all find Al-Wuhayshi charming, but he barely recognizes the rest of us. If I’m expected to strap a bomb to my tummy and walk into a busy subway to die a martyr while killing hundreds of innocent people, is an occasional ‘thank you’ too much to ask?” said one 19-year-old Saudi would-be terrorist.

Adnan el-Shukrijumah, a Saudi-born Al Qaeda operative who has been indicted on charges involving the unsuccessful plot to bomb the New York City subway system, is a possible candidate, but insiders say that unless he stops his incessant humming of a recent hit Maroon 5 song, he has little chance of earning the respect needed to inspire young radical Muslims to die for the cause.

Meanwhile, TMZ reports that Ashton Kutcher has been considered. At press time, Kutcher had not responded to repeated requests for confirmation.