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Published June 23, 2012 More Info »
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Published June 23, 2012

 

Originally written on December 24th, 2011...but I forgot to post it.


My brother in New York still has no idea christmas is happening. My brother Matt, who knows if he even knows it's December.

I called Matt on the phone to remind him that it's winter now and he should wear a snow cap. "What dude? It's winter? No one told me." Matt is off in his own world doing crazy shit. We pick up the phone and say Matt, what are you doing? And he's like I'm doing this, don't worry about it. And we go, Matt, no, that's crazy, you can't do that, that's insane. He says okay, you're right. And then he still does it.

Matt asked me if we were doing the sibling gift exchange this year.

Gift exchange? Oh yeah, Christmas. I don't know. Ask Becky.

I figured she had it all under control.  Our family depends on my sister to organize the gift exchange every year. She is the general manager of Christmas.

Each year she organizes the gift exchange, when the siblings pick each others names out of a hat and choose to buy each other stuff. I always get Danny, my oldest brother, and I'm always happy about that because he has money. If you draw Matt in the gift exchange you would be getting whatever he picked up at Walgreen's that morning.

Matt never asked Becky about the gift exchange. He forgot. And I forgot that I even had that conversation with Matt. Which leaves us to Danny. His solution would be to hire a third party to draw the names out of the hat for us.

I talked to Becky and found out in a recent conversation that she decided to leave it up to the three boys to organize the gift exchange this year. It was a devastating move on her part to think that we would do this. That's asking a lot from a household filled with retards.

We missed our assignments appointed down by the general manager. My assignment was to shave and remind Matt to show up to christmas. Matt's assignment was to stop doing that and show up to christmas. Danny didn't get a task since he is the oldest. He can just fly in from New York, make witty comments, and fly back.

As the youngest of the household I've decided to take it upon myself to send a notice to the family, informing them of the cancellation of the gift exchange and therefore Christmas:

Attention fellow siblings. It appears there was some miscommunication. I would like to cite poor planning and execution of the gift exchange, which includes the task of picking a name out of a hat. We couldn't really string it together and focus. We'll have to get better at preparing the hat and the pieces of paper. Let's take this time to think about how we can correct this problem in the future, and shift our focus to New Years. New Years is over? Alright, birthdays then.
 

 

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