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July 04, 2017

Tips for becoming the neighborhood alphadad this holiday

Every Fourth of July BBQ has one thing in common: an alphadad. The following tips can help boost your dadtosterone to dadtosterten and win you the affection of everyone from your pimply teen to the neighbor’s wife.

1. Rent a bounce house
2. Tape a hot dog to the outside of your pants
3. Get a neck tattoo
4. Drink milk from the gallon
5. Tell the other dads you voted for Trump
6. Drink more milk than anyone else
7. Flip hamburgers with a shovel
8. Walk around on stilts
9. Kill one of the other dads
10. Wear socks over your sandals
11. Light your face on fire
12. Wear two Hawaiian shirts

Go get ‘em, dad.