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December 10, 2015

Christmas message from Kevin McCallister

Hello-ah-loho there! You might know about me from when I was deserted by my family over Christmas break 25 years ago and I abused two low-level burglars with no repercussions for my actions. Then, with no explanation, almost the exact same events happened to a tee a year later but in a different location. As a result of these events, today I am insane.

That’s right! These events did indeed warp my sense of reality, stunting my understanding of cause and effect, and completely divorcing any and all empathy I could possibly feel for other people. My life is a constant struggle to hold on to the smallest understanding of what is real. I guess growing up changes everybody!

Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy my life. To pass the time, I make models of homes with death traps and I scream at faucets. I occasionally push stolen lawnmowers two at a time through nightclubs and into gulleys. I love spending my mornings with my urine experiments, then practicing a little yoga in an upside down shopping cart, followed by a trip uptown to spit on the ol’ pool supply store. This is my life now!

I know, it all sounds unbelievable. That’s OK, no one believed me when I was a kid and I told them I had a Christmas party with mannequins and a life-sized Michael Jordan cutout. Or that I recorded the sounds of my uncle showering and that I’ve twice set an Italian man on fire.

But hey, I don’t need people to tell me what is real and what isn’t. For one thing, people are just squishy computers, so they’re not qualified to assess my life. I know for a fact that the average adult can sustain punishing violence and that moments of your life can repeat themselves; therefore, there are no physical or moral laws guiding the universe.

Oh and did I mention that everything smells like wicker to me now? I am unsound!

As a child, I set this Italian-American on fire

So now, let’s reminisce about the alone days!

“AAAAAHHHHHHH!” Remember that? I used to say that! Now I only say that in my sleep, according to the specialists in night terrors who’ve observed my slumber.

Or hey, how about, “Keep the change, ya filthy animal!” I hear that satanic voice often in my subconscious and have no idea of its origin. But I do whatever it says! That’s why in my backyard shed I keep thousands of stacks of coins that I’ve collected. What can I say: When the Devil commands you to collect money for him, you have to listen!

Or remember, “I made my family disappear!” Convinced that I evaporated my family, I am now obsessed with making matter spontaneously vanish. I clearly don’t understand how the world works!

“AAAAAHHHHHHH!” Remember I said I only say that in my sleep now? I lied! I am untrustworthy. I in fact say this famous catchphrase at faucets of all kinds.

One day I’m gonna set a fire no one can put out, not even a toilet

Well, Christmas is near and I am setting up another mannequin party. Please come to it! There will be prancing, music, and plenty of used baptism water to drink. Oh, and there will be mannequins. I have so many mannequins! That is bizarre.

Merry Christmas,

Peter Steering Wheel
(That is my new name! I am insane!)