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July 29, 2014

New illness plagues teenage girls

LOS ANGELES- Physicians and medical professionals alike are baffled by the recent surge of teenage girls that just can’t even. The rising cases sprouting up from Seattle to the nation’s capital have stumped the medical community and left the rest of the country wondering how to protect themselves.

An eyewitness who wishes to remain anonymous recalls an incident at a San Antonio Starbucks as “One of the most terrifying moments of my life.” He went on to describe the experience, “I walked in during the lunch hour so it was pretty busy but that’s expected. I’m standing there in line and I can see a group of girls getting riled up.” That’s when he says one of the girls lost control and succumbed to the affliction. “She just completely lost it. She rolled her eyes like an animal and sighed loudly how she just couldn’t even. I had to leave.”

As the accounts roll in from all corners of the country it becomes apparent that the San Antonio incident unfortunately is a scene all too common. It’s been advised to stay away from places where young women can become agitated such as frozen yogurt restaurants, tanning salons and both the Northern and Southern Hemispheres. The president has yet to directly address the issue but an official statement released from the Department of Health recognizes the pandemic as “An issue whose severity will not be taken lightly and is currently occupying the full attention of our staff.”