This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.
by Pete McCormick
Senior, Newbridge High School
I gotta admit: when I made that YouTube video asking Kate Upton to prom, I didn’t think I had a chance in hell. I only asked because Fat Dom said he’d give me his Amazon Kindle Fire HD if she actually said yes. As you probably know, McCohorts, the video went viral and Kate Upton said yes. So I got that Amazon Kindle Fire HD, right? WRONG. Fat Dom’s fat parents called my parents and the whole thing was off. But if you think that’s a travesty, just wait until you hear what it’s like to go on a date with Kate Upton.
Don’t get me wrong: when Kate responded to my video and not only said yes, but offered to cover transportation for me and my crew, I was amped ... until she pulled up in a Hummer Limo. A HUMMER LIMO. My family respects the environment, Kate, and you bring the biggest Hummer possible into my driveway? We compost! We drive a Prius! We own An Inconvenient Truth on Blu-ray!
Anyway, I tried to let it go. I was taking the hottest woman in the universe to prom, so why not keep it chill? We slid into the Hum-Lim and headed off to pick up my buddies Johnny Deegler -- most of you know him as Deegs -- and the aforementioned Fat D. I’d swiped a classy bottle of el vino from my parents’ “hidden” stash. But as I filled our solo cups to the brim, Kate told me she didn’t want any wine. I insisted, but she shot me down again. This was primo stuff, man: a Yellow Tail Shiraz. At this point, Kate pulled out a small orange bottle and started popping some pills. She said she had a headache. I asked her to save some for me. “Shiraz always goes straight to my head,” I confessed. But Kate told me she had counted the pills, and that I better not touch them. I almost had the driver turn on the heat because things were suddenly ice cold.
Things started warming up when we got Deegs and F-Dom in the H-Lim (a.k.a. The Fat Dom of Limos). I was double fisting my Australian reds while Deegs cracked open a case of Keystone Light. The party was finally kickin’ into gear. But you’ll never guess what happened next: Kate started chugging a beer. My Shiraz hadn’t even properly aerated before Kate grabbed a second Peestone, stabbed it in the side with her house key, and shotgunned the whole thing. My beauty had become a beast.
When we finally got to prom, I started feeling better. My jams, man. Picking me up. Feeling that bass in my feet. I’m on the dance floor, putting in work. Kate wandered off to the bathroom and I got me some ME time. The entire room was hoppin’. And then it went next-level when the DJ blasted that medley of songs from Pitch Perfect. It was just, well, a pitch perfect moment, and I forgot about the disaster that was Kate Upton until she draped herself over my back. She put her wet mouth right in my effin’ ear and started groaning like a dying dog. “Pete, Pete,” she says, “I wanna feed the kitty.” I got a little harsh with her: “Kate, what in the hell does that even mean?” And then she just dove in and tried to get her a sip of Irish whiskey: her lips on my lips. I did what any sane man would have done: I shoved her away. “You disgust me, Kate Upton,” I yelled, loud enough so that she could hear me over the Macklemore cut the DJ had rung up.
I turned and stormed off the dance floor. I was straight FUMING, but fortunately I had the chance to cool off with my Calc teacher, Mrs. Carmine. Boy was she a sight for sore eyes: she’s obviously not my age, but she looked bangin’ in her blush pantsuit. “Mrs. C,” I told her, “I should’ve taken you to prom instead.” We both shared a good laugh about that, but then she dropped some knowledge on me.
“Go have a good time, Pete,” she said. “You don’t want to look back in a decade and regret making a viral video to get a celebrity date to your prom.” And I told her: “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.” I looked over her shoulder at the lonely Skyler Jones and something dawned on me: Skyler is totally into me, and she always will be, so I should make sure Kate Upton has a good time tonight, get her home safely, wake up for my interview with the local newspaper, fly out for my Today show appearance on Monday, then eventually date Skyler at some point in the future when I have no better options.
So I turned back to the dancefloor to find Kate. Except now her face was attached to the Fattest of the Doms, Fat Dom. That’s right: my best bud was making out with my celebrity date. I just started weeping right there on the dance floor. JT’s “Suit and Tie” was playing at the time, and is just forever ruined for me. Mrs. Carmine and Skyler both took me out into the lobby and tried to console me, but they were just lone kayaks in my raging river of tears. (Poignant, right?)
I’m sorry I ever asked you to prom, Kate Upton. I hope you get the help you need, and that you get it soon. In the meantime, I’d appreciate it if you could pass along my contact information to Penny from The Big Bang Theory. I need a date for my post-graduation bash. It’s gonna be a pool party.
This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.