This week’s best tweets have definitely stayed up past their bedtime.
BRAAAAIDS— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 5, 2016
I'll take "elegant metaphors for death" for $500, Alex. pic.twitter.com/S8g35oF8Uj— Kashana (@kashanacauley) September 12, 2015
Three stages of life:— Denise Fuxtable (@HarrietHatesYou) April 29, 2016
2. W H A T T H E F U C K I S T H I S
I bet when your life flashes before your eyes, you have to watch a 10 sec YouTube ad.— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 3, 2016
"I Wanna Dance With Somebody" is the most upbeat song about being lonely and not dancing and nobody loves you.— Joe Berkowitz (@JoeBerkowitz) May 5, 2016
John Mellencamp is going to lose his shit when he hears the big-ass ditty I wrote about Jack and Diane.— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 6, 2016
just realized how glad i am that hamilton came out after glee went off the air— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) May 7, 2016
Who decided that the "On" button symbol should be a Lego guy's hand holding a french fry. pic.twitter.com/exH23BT2X2— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 1, 2016
Cartoon burgers. Cartoon pizzas. Cartoon roast chickens. The most delicious food in existence, forever locked away from us in Dimension Two.— Prince's Biggest Fan (@markleggett) April 25, 2016
Bobby Flay's name is short for Robert Flavor— garbage island kyle (@hippieswordfish) May 2, 2016
be careful who you call ugly in middle school pic.twitter.com/cbxfawViBx— good opinion haver (@oxygenplug) April 22, 2016
I've heard of Ta-Nehisi Coates, but this?!? Come on!!! pic.twitter.com/sUB8h8zpMP— Andy Beckerman (@AndyBeckerman) May 3, 2016
"It's a real Sophie's Choice" is my favorite turn of phrase that references a child being killed in the Holocaust.— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly) May 6, 2016
Why do we give serial killers cool names? You'd think a guy might not kill as much if the media called him The Strangler With The Tiny Dick— Danny Solomon (@DannySolomonn) May 5, 2016
Chief cop: "This might be racially motivated."— Ste(ph)en (@stephenjmolloy) April 12, 2016
Ian: "Hate crime?"
Chief cop: "We all hate crime, Ian. That's why we are cops."
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.— Clair (@drhappyknuckles) January 31, 2016
why do women only date assholes?! they should date me instead, the nice guy who's angry at all women because of a thing i made up in my head— cool as h*ck turtle (@dubstep4dads) April 19, 2016
I hate when I don't hear from a guy because he's practicing talking to me w his guy friends n they r wearing a wig n talkin n a girl voice— allison (@allstn) May 3, 2016
Hey, have a safe flight.— John Viener (@mygiveup) May 2, 2016
Thanks. I have no control over that.
me: can i go to the bathroom— milty (@themiltron) May 3, 2016
teacher: it's *may
me: yeah i go pretty much every month
[Office]— Matt Starr (@matthewsstarr) May 6, 2016
Boss: I'm sorry. You're fired.
Employee: On casual Friday?
Boss: You're fired, dude.
"My friend got me a Fitbit"— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 3, 2016
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven't got one tho
"u can buy them online"
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) May 2, 2016
I like it when they put 'the end' after a movie, so that you know not to stay sat in your seat for the rest of your life.— non human paul (@Death_Buddy) May 2, 2016
I hate to see you leave but I love to watch HBO Go— Alyssa Stonoha (@astonoha) May 1, 2016