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February 09, 2016
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There's nothing wrong with that, either!

Oral and anal sex is about to get a lot more risqué in the state of Michigan because as of yesterday it could get you a 15-year prison sentence. That’s right! Michigan Republicans passed a package of bills called Logan’s Law that initially were meant to protect animals from abusive owners, but State Senator Rick Jones was like, “Oh also btw no anal and oral sex between humans, either, k bye!”

Here’s a screenshot of Section 158 of Senate Bill 219. The language of the bill can be interpreted by conservatives, like Rick Jones, to outlaw butt stuff and mouth stuff between “mankind”:

logan.jpg

No word on hand stuff as of yet!

This is obviously an attack against homosexuals and a way to shame those participating in non-heteronormative intercourse, which is P in V while facing one another and both silently wondering if the female orgasm is a myth (it ain’t, y'all.) It’s also a low blow to the blow job queens (and kings) of our high schools. But on a much simpler note, aside from the homophobic and regressive actions of these lawmakers, we just have to be frank and ask, “Rick Jones, you really don’t want any more blow jobs?”

What you’re telling us is that denying people the right to engage in private sexual acts is more pleasurable than getting sucked off by the warm mouth of a person you find incredibly attractive? That’s what you’re going for, right, Rick? Your little pecker gets harder at the thought of banning sodomy than cumming because of oral play. Hard to believe, but everyone has their kinks.

Wait! You’ve never gotten a blow job, have you? That’s what’s going on. Dude, the second you realize how abso-fuckin-lutely delightful a blow job is, you’re going to change your mind on this whole thing and be super embarrassed you were ever like “BJs are bad!!!” Also, once you come down from a BJ high, try giving one! Healthy relationships are all about reciprocation. And once you’re comfortable with sucking a D or petting a V, stick something up your butt (that isn’t your own head, silly!) You could love it. Fun fact: A lot of men enjoy anal play because it’s where their prostates are located. There is so much to learn about your body once you decide to not live in fear of it!

Take some you-time, tickle your balls, have someone else tickle your balls, etc, and then get back to us about this whole no oral or anal sex in Michigan thing. Chances are you’re going to change your mind and once this is all settled you can focus on whose really getting fucked in your state (the town of Flint.)

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