Once again, sitting in a dental office, my phone died. Restless, I started flipping through "we're hot and you're not" magazines. Seemingly the only reading material available in medical establishments.
Once again, I found myself reading an article with the magazine hidden under my bag like it was porn. Well, in a way it was.
"44 Tips for MIND BLOWING sex with your man!" Not that I want to blow my mind apart, but any writer that claims to know such things always peeks my interest. Especially when they are men, doling out information to women, in this case, very young women. Make that girls.
I am going to skip over his tome-like section on "Hand Jobs." I simply could not get passed the "shove his member back inside his body" diatribe. The fact that he even had a such a lengthy section on hand jobs suggests to me I am dealing with someone who was born in the 30's.
By the way, you are also rated, for example, from amateur to sex goddess. (I'm somewhere in the middle, not that I took the test or anything.) I will just give you the HJ recap highlight.
The winner of the sex goddess title can hold the "pecker" in one hand while slightly slapping it with the other, (it doesn't mention how hard, but he does compare this activity to a tennis match.) Okay, so you are slapping the thing back and forth and back and forth, but not TOO long or you might become hypnotized, THEN start in with the pinching! Pinch, pinch pinch until the skin turns purple.
Now I am engrossed. This sounds positively medieval.
After a good, long round of "penis volley," the article goes into great detail about alternating wrists, swiveling, stroking, smacking, shafting, slapping, rubbing and finally twisting the "disco-stick" as you would a doorknob, one that is hard to open!
"Practice on a knob that is locked, then grip and twist like it might actually open without a key. Remember your wrist movement. That is the key."
Now, I don't know if this idiot is being cheeky on the "key" word play for his foreplay but seriously, if I was a dude, and had somebody twisting my widger into a knot, I'd be out of there.
"You can also practice using a corkscrew or juicer! Improvise!"
The only thing I will mention about the section called "Occupy Ball Street" is that here, I'm certain the author has it wrong. Or he is from a time where BJ's were in fact a mortal sin. He (if it is a he, the name was masculine,) says thirty-four per cent of men like a surprise BJ when they walk in the door. 34%? I have never met a guy that would put up a fuss if someone yanks down pants down for a BJ! I don't care where they are. Are we to assume the other 66% of men would squeal and run away?
"AAHH, not that! I have told you before, stay away from my baby-maker, you wonton woman!"
Alas, my favorite section was, "!Super Sexy Things To Do With Your Breasts!" Your guess is as good as mine regarding the front end exclamation point except perhaps he was bookending his play on breasts as a !pair!" I had to marvel at this old codgers ability to come up with so many clever functionalities for boobs. Who knew?
First of all, I rarely if ever do anything with my breasts short of exposing them, and sometimes I don't even do that. It's a pain the ass to take off my nightshirt. But this author thinks women need to be much more ambitious... otherwise you might just lose your man. Eee gads, not that! First of all, I'm pretty sure if I twisted his dick into a pretzel or played volleyball with his testicles, it would end there.
This guy is for sure a breast man because his writing went up an emotional octave and he used non-words such as "yowza" and "woo-eee"at least 15 times.
"Climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl style (btw, wtf does that even mean?) then do a body-sway (huh) over his tootsies (!) allowing the breasts to create a natural wave. Pretend the misty sea breeze is flowing through your hair. Just flow with it. YOWZA!"
Seriously? Tootsies? Cowgirls in the freaking sand! After I read this, I was thinking the author never even had sex. And he's quite possible senile. Breasts don't create oceanic waves, okay asshole. And your face doesn't just get windblown in the bedroom. Also, this sounds so boring. I think it means to essentially put your puppies on the dude's feet, and pretend you're in St. Tropez. Yeah, that's erotic.
Oh... this is too good to be true! "Don't let your VADGE hog the vibrator. Don't be bogarting that diving dolphin, you hear now? It's just plain rude. Show your breasts some love and give them a hardy slap."
Ladies, help me here. Do you take the magic wand and whack your tits? Can you imagine what might be going through the guys head? Why is she beating her boobs with my Lelo dildo?
If that wasn't stooooopid enough, he goes on to educate us even more.
"Dip your ample, heaving (what if they aren't ample, lowlife?) breasts into colorful paint and use them to create a masterpiece on his body. Then lick it off." Okay. First, breasts aren't shaped like brushes, nor can we control them as such. Second, sure, let's all lick the toxic paint and die. Just as long as we make the guy happy, right? And would this make him happy?
A woman lunging at a man whipping around two wet and wild breasts, then sliming a Mona Lisa on his face does not sound like sexy time. This poor bastard would probably call the police.
Finally, if none of these techniques work in getting him to "put a ring on it, and I don't mean that kind of ring, hint hint..." I know readers, you are thinking, why is she still reading this dumbass article. Because I had to see where he was going with this!
"Create an attention-grabbing circle around your bosom using oh, I don't know, rhinestones, glitter, thumbtacks. Then dash off to the kitchen in your panties and make meatloaf for that special night in. Be sure to dab a little sauce on your breasts! YOWZA!"
COME ON! STOP! Is this 1954? How did a major publication accept this? Clearly this writer has no idea how long it would take to apply rhinestones all over your tits to create a "spectacular design" and what sauce? Doesn't he mean gravy? It sounds revolting. And wouldn't the guy choke to death on rhinestones?
He goes on with a section called "When Things Get Boring." A virtual cornucopia of asinine ideas such as, "Keep a spray bottle filled with ICY water next to the bed, then give your man a "strategic" spritz when he is sleeping!" Yeah, that will go over real big; especially if he is about to get pounced by your psychedelic tits. Far out. PS- there is no shame in taking to the sofa...
Of course no sex advice column would be complete with a lesbian reference.
"When he is IN THE OFFICE call him up (preferably on speaker) and, while pleasuring yourself, ooh and aah into the phone and say 'Sharon and I are rubbing our Rembrandts together and would love if you would join us. I'm in a lesbian- only bathhouse but I'm sure they will make an exception for you. Just grab one of my wigs.' Again, seriously! Lesbian bathhouse? Plus she has a closet full of wigs? And also didn't Dustin Hoffman cover this in, oh Tootsie!
"Lube up his body for a pre-nooky rub down, then grab his balls! GOTCHA!" or "Rub your down-there special place with cinnamon sticks which increases blood flow." I'll say. You will bleed to death. Yowza. Or "Avoid ANYTHING that causes him to belly laugh... a jiggly tummy equals superbad." Louis CK would have something to say about this.
Finally, to confirm this must be a sexist gaffer, he writes this next sentence with fresh conviction.
"When he is least expecting it, stick your hand down his pants, then when he is good and hard, whisper, 'is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?'"
You must be joking? Okay girls, if anyone is planning on that move, at the very least, say "Is that a sock full of potpourri" because then you can follow it up with "Lucky us, now I can smother your face with dead flowers. That's much more fun than a beer facial anyway!"
Why would this or any magazine consult an octogenarian for sexual advice? Here, I feel bad for the guys. The targeted audience is girls 18 (uh, 15) to 21. They will read this and might try the old corkscrew technique or play grab ass in broad daylight saying such things as "Whose got the bologna? Where's the sausage? You know I looooove to eat meat! Yowza!"
My suggestion to young men everywhere, skip this generation of girls and date women 30 plus. Otherwise you might end up castrated, paralyzed, blind or poisoned.