Full Credits

Stats & Data

September 07, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

In his speech at the Democratic National Convention, Joe Biden charged that Republicans think America is in decline. Refuting the notion, Biden declared the country is inclining.
Biden also warned Republicans against “betting against the American people.” Republicans refuted the charge, but admitted they don’t like the idea of putting it all on black either.
At one point, Biden began tearing up as he recalled the numbers of soldiers lost in Iraq and Afghanistan. To be fair, numbers in general have that effect on him.
Sen. Dick Durban drew attention to Obama’s bailout of the auto industry. Which was impressive considering most people were starting to wonder, who is Dick Durban?
George Clooney narrated a video at the convention highlighting Obama’s presidency. Raising the question, do we really want a president who only gives us George Clooney’s voice?
Obama began his speech by saying, “Michelle, I love you so much.” As expected, Michelle Williams just flashed her adorable yet coy smile.
Obama accused Republicans of not offering actual solutions to problems at their convention. The Democrats' solution? Acting as if Obama already solved every problem.
Soon thereafter, the president told the audience, “You elected me to tell you the truth.” He then added, “So thank you in advance for not asking any questions about who is on my kill list.”
During his speech, Obama hinted at expanding fracking to increase America’s natural gas supply. Either that or he really does think Navy SEALS can find anything.
Veering into the topic of global warming, Obama said, “Climate change is not a hoax.” Though that’s exactly what someone making up climate change would say…
At the convention, actors Don Cheadle and Olivia Wilde were seen seated next to Sen. John Kerry. Kerry said it was nice to be able to talk to other people used to working in fantasy worlds.
Continuing to lash out at his opponents, Obama said Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are “new to foreign policy.” Because ideally that’s something you learn while being president for three and a half years.
Obama went on to admit, “Time’s have changed, and so have I.” For example, he’s learned two new emotions since taking office.