In an online fireside chat a few weeks ago, Obama said that it might be time to stop making pennies. I don't mean to be over dramatic or anything, but I am HYPED. I am so freaking excited. I hate pennies. I hate them.
The penny is possibly the dumbest thing that we deal with on a daily basis. Every now and then, I get excited (or angry) about something small, and I wish I was one of those people that started petitions. I have a long list of petitions I want to start (eliminating overdraft fees, stopping taxi drivers from being d-bags, building moving sidewalks, etc.) and axing the penny is on the top of that list. I don't even know where all my pennies go. I get them back as change every day. I don't have a change-jar or anything like that so they have to be somewhere. But, you know what, I DON'T CARE.
It's not like I'm some baller or anything. Okay fine, whatevs, I tears up the club. Still. Besides the point. You can't buy anything with a penny. It's basically worth nothing, it's stupid, it takes up space, and it's orange (how dumb is that, for real). It's not even copper. It's just straight up orange metal. Get over yourself, penny.
There's not a single machine anywhere that takes pennies. Not vending machines. Not parking meters. Not arcade games. No self respecting machine takes these one cent "coins" as payment. Okay, there's one - that Deposit-Your-Change-For-Cash machine at the grocery store. But that's only because they HAVE to. I guarantee that machine doesn't even count that nonsense. You put your pennies in, it pretends like it's thinking for a minute, then it's like whatever, here's five dollars, have fun spending that on meth you loser, NEXT.
There is just no point to them. The whole time Obama was talking, I was like "Yes. Yes. YES. You tell 'em, Barack. This boy straight up bout to change CHANGE. Believe in that." Then he drops a bombshell and says that it costs the US Treasury 2.4 cents to make a penny.
Treasury. You are so dumb. You are really dumb. For real. (Dodson, 2010) Minting these coins makes less sense than China importing chopsticks. I don't know how that's a logical comparison, but that's really dumb. And this is dumber. Check yourself.
In conclusion, eff the penny. Eff it. No offense, Abe. Love what you do on that fiver. Thanks for ending slavery. You da man. Penny - you can let yourself out. Kthxbai.
Kabir Iyengar is a writer and comedian who makes humorous videos and tweets regularly on today's social, political, and economic issues. He holds a B.A. in Economics from the University of Chicago.
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