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November 02, 2011

Shakespeare's plays were cranked out like sausages. Who wrote them? This guy did.

William Shakespeare's Lost Sonnet

O! how much more doth beauty beauteous seem

By that sweet ornament which truth doth give.

The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem

For that sweet odour, which doth in it live.

The canker blooms have full as deep a dye...

Canker?  What? 

Greetings reader, Will Shakespeare here. I'll clue you in on a little secret. This shit writes itself.  Seriously. I don't know what the big deal is. Do you know I conjured up nearly 2,000 words on my own? Poof!   I make words up as I go.  Fuck the dictionary. I get too drunk..but, I don't say drunk, I say spongy, to get up and get it anyway.  Fuck.   Invented it. Thanks Will. Where did I get spongy?  Who knows? 

I roll out these dice with words on them.  Roll out a bucket or two and...Bam!...another play.
I make up a bunch of fancy schmancy words..on the fly, by the way..for linguists to ponder, toss in a few "haths" and "doths" for the drama majors, and...Bam!...instant classic.  Here's a scene from Top Gun "Shakespearized":

Slider: Goose, whose secret places did you and Maverick caress to be present in our company? 
Goose: The list is long, but distinguished. 
Slider: Sir, include my Johnson in your accounting.
Reader: What?

What does it mean?  Got me.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, I've done my job. There are college courses taught about stuff I basically wrote on the crapper or face-first.  I just dump the bucket out and...WTF?...I can't make heads or tails of this. Whatever. Invented that too. And the rewards are rich...just the beer and Cliff's Notes alone..are..never mind...  Forsooth, the Duke's servant has arrived with a hefty pouch of gold for my labours. I must be off to the Boar's Head for a bit of inspiration. Ah, my writing utensils.  Perhaps I can find a muse who suits me.  Maychance Christopher will be there.  I'll favor him with a few beers and pipefuls.  He does love to ramble, that Christopher.  Oh, almost forgot; invented Bam! too, Lagasse... Bam!!....©2012