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September 28, 2011

Do ferocious beasts make good pets? No, of course not! It only makes sense to own something that can kill you if you are a giant, have magical powers, can handle the site of blood, and don't mind eating your pet. But 99% of the population are bored couch potatoes who can't even tear open a bag if chips. So stick with the hamsters, dammit!

Do ferocious beasts make good pets? It’s human nature to force another species to submit to our will purely for our enjoyment (how else do we explain internet clips of cats crapping in toilets?). But most wild animals would, if asked using the closest language to the animal kingdom we have which is Ewok bibble-babble, be shocked that you’d yank them out of the wild.

Actually, shocked isn’t strong enough a word: think Cujo on crack. Now give him a reason to go after your nuts. There. Got that mental image? Good, now you have a sense of how angry these animals must feel when they get trapped and sold for our amusement. No wonder then that some fight back against their two-legged masters, as was the case when an Ontario man’s pet tiger mauled him to death. (Editor’s note: See, Canada’s not so boring.)

So why do it? Is it simply because we love the feeling of caressing a bit of soft fur? (Editor’s note: Steady…) Probably not because many people own snakes, lizards and shellfish as pets and evolution has clearly not caught up with them yet so the cuteness factor is only part of the reason.

If you have a pet tiger, elephant or Inuit are you just showing off? Or maybe some people get off doing dangerous things. That’s quite possible but then how many of those same people go parachuting, sumo wrestling or engage in bar fights with husky transvestites named Corky? We bet most don’t. In fact, most wild animals are kept in secure pens anyway, so it’s not like you could take a lion to your cafe, or throw a stick in a park and tell him to fetch it — and we know why, because he’d come back belching from devouring your neighbour’s purebred shitzu.

The short answer is these wild animals are trouble: they can’t be toilet trained, they’ll cut you to pieces if you feed them anything less than osso bucco and really, who’d want to face the prospect of being mauled when it comes time to take out an agitated beast’s litterbox?

It took weeks to get the blood out of his fur after this cute killer hamster butchered his owners while they ate all the ice cream without offering him even one little dropper-full.

Listen to two idiots debate the pros and cons of this idea at BrilliantOrStupid.com