An Open Letter To Drake From A Kid Who Admires Bullies

Dear Drake,

Hey dude. You don ‘t know me but my name ‘s Tyler and everyone says I ‘m a real shit, which I take as a compliment!

I ‘m writing to you not just because I love your raps. (I do, though. My mom tells me I can ‘t listen to music with swears but that just makes me want to listen to it more, you know? She ‘s kind of a shit-ass.) Mainly I ‘m writing to you because I ‘m about to enter junior high this fall and I wanna thank you for inspiring me to be a better bully as I enter this new stage of schooling.

I used to think you were probably lame because I knew you were on Degrassi which is a show for girls/Canadians, but this beef you are having with Meek Mill has taught me you are actually a professional-level bully. Here are some things you ‘ve done recently that I found really educational, not in terms of school which is lame but educational in regards to bullying, a thing I LOVE to do:

– All three of your new Meek Mill diss raps. I like the way you ‘ve made not one but several diss raps all to be mean to Meek Mill, a boy who ‘s less popular than you are. I ‘ve gotta try something like that, not with raps but maybe just saying mean things to less popular boys, like Justin and Damien, who will both be in Homeroom with me this year. I ‘m gonna diss them so bad they won ‘t know what ‘s happening!! I ‘ll know, though, that what ‘s happening is me bullying them.

– The t-shirts you ‘ve been wearing that make fun of Meek Mill. Usually when I ‘m beating down on someone, I just push the more pussy kids around in line or cyber bully them on Kik, but this is a cool idea. Maybe I ‘ll wear a mean shirt while I ‘m making fun of Justin this fall because his voice still hasn ‘t dropped yet, haha. The only catch is that I ‘ll need to wear something over my mean shirt so the teachers don ‘t give me detention. Maybe I ‘ll wear that dumbass sweater my mom gave me for Christmas. Knowing that it will play a part in making Justin feel bad about his late blooming will help make it less of a dumbass sweater!

– Your performance at OVO Fest, which you did in front of a slideshow of mean memes about Meek Mill. Slideshows? Game-changing. When we work on Powerpoints for Ms. Markey ‘s class I ‘m gonna use my presentation to put all the kids who are weaker than me on blast. Speaking of, have you tried calling Meek Mill, ‘Weak Mill”?? Just a suggestion from one bully to another! Game recognize game.

– That video of you, Kanye West, and Will Smith laughing at Meek Mill memes. I love that you are incorporating so many memes into your bullying. You are clearly a youthful bully stuck in an older, more famous, richer bully ‘s body. Anyway, I think in my friend group, Hector is Will Smith, I ‘m you, and Alan thinks of himself as Kanye West but everyone knows he ‘s more of a second Will Smith. You BET I tell that to him when I ‘m beating him up. That ‘s right I beat him up, because I ‘m Alan ‘s friend, but I ‘m a bully first.

Thanks again for all your inspiration and I can ‘t wait to see what mean stuff you do next!

Yours in bullying,
Tyler