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March 26, 2017
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#5 - Tell them you practicing an air guitar solo that got out of hand.

It’s always unfortunate to be caught with your pants down, especially at work. Remember a few things.

1 - Since you have your genitals out, you have the upper hand in this conversation, this person was not expecting to see your junk. They are more frightened than you are.

2 - Don’t be remembered as the hunched over deviate, struggling to cover up your lonely parts. Be proud and make direct eye contact, own this situation. You do you.

3 - Read the room. Maybe you can keep this party going. Try to “feel out" if the person who caught you seems at all aroused. If they are then try to remember as much detail as possible. This will pay dividends when writing your letter to Penthouse Magazine.

4 - There may come a time in your life when you have to use the old “I was stretching out the leather on my new belt” defense.

5 - Tell them you were practicing an air guitar solo that got out of hand. Your strumming hand got too close to your lap. If a real guitar had been there to block your hand, your delicate fingers would’ve never touched your bathing suit area in that special way, and so on.

6 - If you’re one of those people who works late and is a meticulous employee then simply inform your boss that if they had given you any time off that you wouldn’t result to secret office self pleasuring. If you’re a slacker avoid this excuse at all costs.

7 - If caught, an immediate judgment must be made. If the person is cowardly then scowl and remark through a disappointed sigh; “Did you need something?” Follow that up with “You’ve done well for someone with your level of experience, don’t get upset and start running your mouth around here.” Fortunately, people who use intimidation in the workplace usually get away with it. They also get better performance reviews and tend to climb higher than the average employee.

8 - If someone bursts into the supply room and catches you, scream “Help! The glue broke open and got all over my lap, call 911!” When they leave to get help, bite the bullet and glue yourself up. On the plus side you might get some workers’ compensation.

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