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January 23, 2015
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Microsoft Announces Updates Included In Windows 10

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Microsoft is all jazzed up about their new Windows 10 and they recently announced a whole bunch of features and updates that will be included in the new operating system. Always the little brother (or probably more accurately, older less successful brother that never quite learned how to dress cool) to Apple, Microsoft is really trying to make this Windows 10 the thing that gets young people to stand up on their dining hall table and say “I love Windows!” (incidentally, this is something that the Microsoft people believe that young people do when they love things)

The new features in Windows 10 include free upgrades for previous Windows users, a continuous experience across mobile and desktop devices, and a new voice assistant and web browser, among other things. It’s expected to launch sometime in fall.

The new Windows 10 features look real good for managing workflow, efficient computing, and just overall less stress when dealing with technology, but those are all boring adult words and things that our parents care about. If Microsoft wants to take over Apple as the coolest seller of computer crap, then they need to target the TEENz. Ge them hooked early. And since Microsoft clearly has zero knowledge on what teenagers are interested in (hint: it’s not “built-in support for pdf files), I’ve decided to give them a short list of features they should include in Windows 10 that will get all the cool kids grinding down a handrail on their Razor scooters saying "Windows 10 is legit!”(incidentally again, this is what young people actually do when they love things)


1. More Neon.
Right now the Windows colors are like a deep royal blue and kind-of-burnt orange. Those are the colors of my mom’s coffee mug. Teens want something that will catch their eye and eventually, if they stare at it long enough, make their eyes start to water and hurt a little bit. Extreme is the name of the game and soft comforting colors are as far from that as can be.

2. An app that completes homework.
It stands to reason that if there is technology that will complete words for you once you start typing them, then there should be a program that can complete your The Giver book report if you start typing “Jonas is torn between tradition and–”

3. Energy Drinks
If there’s any way that Microsoft could get some sort of energy drink product promotion tie-in deal so that any person getting Windows 10 also gets a sugary energy drink, the teens will be lined up around Radio Shack by tonight. They love the stuff.

4. Fails!
Teens love fails, and who can blame them? Windows 10 should have a built-in app that you could touch and it would yell “FAIL!” at top volume every time the user’s buddy messed up a trick on his board or asked out a girl that he liked and was pretty sure liked him back but she was so nice and pretty that it took all of his courage and every shred of his wavering pubescent self-esteem to walk up to her and ask her out and got rejected. That would be hilarious.

5. Signature Forger
A lot of things are different for teens now than they were when we were that age. But one thing with teens is timeless, they still have to get their shitty report cards signed by their parents. I know it would be unpopular with whoever is buying the teen Windows 10, but if they could sneak in a boss signature forger then those babies would fly off the shelves.

6. Skrillex
Apple has U2, Windows has to match with a younger, hipper, more cutting Edge (haha oh man U2, ok sorry, back to the article now) musician to give a pre-loaded album to anyone who buys their product. Enter Skrillex.

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